AVPSY script - NOTE TO SELF
by stripytiger98
Summary: Just a note from me, to me.


**A/N:**** This is not a story of mine - this is just a note to myself so I can read the AVPSY script via mobile! :D**

* * *

Written by Nick Lang, Matt Lang, and Brian Holden

Songs by Clark Baxtresser, Pierce Siebers, and AJ Holmes

Additional Songs by Darren Criss

Based on the books by J.K. Rowling

This script has been released for private viewing only. We sincerely ask that you do not produce this show in any way. As a policy, StarKid Productions does not permit any other group to perform their parody work.

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ACT 1

SCENE 1 - THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES

A dark stage; we hear the "ding" of an elevator as it comes to a stop. An Elevator Voice says…

ELEVATOR VOICE: Bottom Floor. The Department of Mysteries.

LUNA: Lumos. (lights up on LUNA LOVEGOOD, her wand drawn; she exits the elevator)

NEVILLE: Luna! Wait for me! (NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM enters from the elevator, out of breath)

LUNA: Come on Neville!

NEVILLE: Sorry. It's a nervous tick; I slow down whenever I have to hurry up.

LUNA: Wow, we're here. The Department of Mysteries. Isn't it wonderful? All the world's most mysterious and magical anomalies in one booby-trapped labyrinth. I wanna see the Room of Death! (she takes out a small pink camera) Smile Neville! (she snaps a pic, the flash goes off)

NEVILLE: Can we just find the rest of the DA? Before the Death Eaters (gulp) find us!

LUNA: Oh yeah, we're here on a mission. The very last of the Death Eaters broke in and we gotta catch em! Maybe I should turn my flash off. (the flash flashes again) Oops! That'll be a good one! (Neville panics and jumps into her arms)

NEVILLE: Ahh!

LUNA: Neville, don't be such a guppy. What's the worst that could happen?

NEVILLE: We could get caught by Death Eaters.

LUNA: I think you mean: get killed by the Death Eaters. That would be a lot worse.

NEVILLE: Oh d-d-dear.

SONG-THE END

LUNA:

It's been a long time coming

But tonight is the end of the war my friend

Tomorrow only one side will remain

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We will win or we will lose the fight, either way it's the end, no use to pretend

It's the final show, we gotta go, meet our destiny!

THIS IS THE END

(Luna and Neville are suddenly surrounded by DEATH EATERS, they close in and grab the kids )

NEVILLE: Oh no! Death Eaters!

LUNA: Be merciful and kill us quickly! (FENRIR GREYBACK slowly stalks his way into

the room)

FENRIR: Well, well, well. Luna Lovegood and Neville Schlong-bottom.

LUNA: Gasp. Fenrir Greyback. (She snaps a picture)

DEATH EATER #1: Should we kill them now, sir?

FENRIR: Oh these two little piggies are gonna make a yummy snack, but not yet. For now they'll serve as hostages. The rest of Dumbledore's Army must be here… somewhere.

NEVILLE: You won't get away with this, you villains!

FENRIR: Oh really? You DA brats have been a thorn in our side all through your sixth year at Hogwarts, but tonight we reclaim the ultimate weapon and the Death Eaters will rise again. Dolohov!

DEATH EATER #2: Yes master. (bringing Fenrir a small pouch)

FENRIR: The Department of Mysteries is protected by the most arcane and powerful spells. That's why the weapon was hidden from us for all these years. But now that we're inside… the medallion should work. (he removes the Horcrux-Seeking Medallion from the pouch and listens to it) This way! (Fenrir heads off and the Death Eaters follow, dragging Luna and Neville along through the winding, cluttered halls of the department; along the way we see various weird things, like a tank of brains and the Ark of the Covenant)

DEATH EATERS:

Your time is running out

Where is your hero now

You can look everywhere but he's nowhere to be found

DEATH EATER 1:

You look to your right

DEATH EATERS:

You're not gonna find him!

DEATH EATER 1:

You look to your left

DEATH EATERS:

he's not even there!

don't even try

he doesn't care about you

he's moved ooooon

he's gone he's gone he's gone!

THIS IS THE END

(Fenrir, the Death Eaters, and the kids reach a safe amidst the piles of mysterious objects; Fenrir holds the medallion to the safe, then his ear)

FENRIR: Here it is. Macnair! (he summons MACNAIR, a large Death Eater wielding an axe;

Macnair brings his axe down on the safe, cracking it into pieces; inside the safe is a small DIARY; Fenrir picks it up) Yes… At last! AT LAST! Finally, the ultimate artifact of evil is within my grasp! Now all of wizardom shall fall to the Dark Mark! You two, however, won't be around for the show. (he approaches Neville and Luna, licking his lips) I've been working so hard on this evil plan all year, I've worked up quite an appetite. It's time for a little weirdo sandwich with extra mo-RON!

RON: Did somebody say Ron? (a Death Eater removes his mask and is revealed to be none other than RON WEASLEY in disguise)

FENRIR: What?! No, I said mor-

LUNA & NEVILLE: Ron!

RON: Stupefy!

FENRIR: Argh! (Fenrir is hit by the spell and throws the diary into the air. Ron catches it)

RON: YES! Come on guys, let's get outta here!

(Ron pushes over the tank of brains, flooding the stage and entire theatre with slimy, green, brain-filled water; the strange brains begin to ensnare the Death Eaters, allowing the kids to make a break for it)

RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:

This is the end

RON:

Of all the fighting

RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:

This is the end

RON:

The people dying

RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:

This is the end

RON:

There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them

RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:

This is the end

RON:

The curtain's closing

RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:

This is the end

RON:

The final showing

RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:

This is the end

RON:

This is going to be the best scene in the whole show

RON, NEVILLE & LUNA:

this is the end

(Ron, Neville and Luna run through the various rooms of the department, as they enter each different chamber the Elevator Voice announces its name. The kids dash into a room at the end of a corridor. The Elevator Voice announces…)

ELEVATOR VOICE: Welcome to: the Room of Time.

RON: Alright, we're supposed to meet Hermione in here! (HERMIONE GRANGER rushes into the room, also dressed as a Death Eater)

HERMIONE: Ron! There you are! (Luna grabs Neville's arm)

LUNA: Neville! A Death Eater! Protect me!

NEVILLE: (singing)

This is my moment

This is my time

I'll impress Luna,

Then she'll be mine

(speaking) Take this you Death Eater! (Neville runs to Hermione and begins beating her

mercilessly) THIS IS FOR MY FAMILY!

HERMIONE: AH! My nose!

RON: Neville stop! That's Hermione! That's my girlfriend! (Ron pulls Neville off Hermione)

NEVILLE: Oh, d-d-d-dear…

RON: Hermione, are you okay?

LUNA: Wow Neville! That was really cool! I've always wanted to punch Hermione in the face!

HERMIONE: Oh goddammit! I think my nose got broken! (she points her wand at her face)

Reparo! Tell me Ron, what's the damage? (Hermione removes the Death Eater mask)

RON: Woah… Hermione, don't be scared but… you look hot.

HERMIONE: Oh no! There goes all my credibility as an intellec—really!?

RON: Yeah! Look in this mirror! (Ron gives Hermione a hand mirror)

HERMIONE: Gasp! It didn't break! Well, I may look different, but you guys should just treat me like I'm the same old Hermione you know and love. (she turns and addresses the audience) And that goes for you all too. (Hermione winks and flashes a winning smile. The audience chuckles and accepts her at once. She then notices the diary Ron is carrying) Ron, is that a book? I've never seen you with one of those before!

RON: It's a diary. (he hands it to her) We're trying to keep it away from the Death Eaters!

LUNA: And it's really fun! (DEATH EATER #3 enters and heads toward the kids)

DEATH EATER #3: RAWR!

RON, LUNA, HERMIONE, & NEVILLE: Death Eater! (the kids run)

HERMIONE:

It's been a long time coming

But tonight is the end of the war my friend

Tomorrow only one side will remain

ALL:

This is the end

-our time is running out

This is the end

Where is our hero now

This is the end

He is nowhere to be found

This is the end

of all the fighting

This is the end

The people dying

This is the end

There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them

This is the end

This is the end

This is the end

This is the end

This is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end

THIS IS THE END

(Eventually the chase leads Hermione, Luna, Ron and Neville to The Room of Death. The Death

Eaters surround the kids.)

ELEVATOR VOICE: Welcome to: the Room of Death.

LUNA: Oh boy wow! Look at this veil! What's beyond it? (Luna pulls back the veil and looks in) Oh! It leads to hell! Hi! (Luna waves at the many demons of hell and snaps a picture. The Death Eaters grab the kids.)

FENRIR: Finally caught up with you meddlesome stinkers! Now hand over that diary, you nerd! (he grabs Hermione, attempting to rip the diary from her hands) Struggle all you like! (more Death Eaters fill the room, surrounding the kids)

HERMIONE: No! Get away!

NEVILLE: Hermione! (he points to an archway as it fills with blinding light) It's H- H

HERMIONE: Neville, help me!

NEVILLE: It's… (he continues to point as the light grows brighter, now Fenrir notices it as well)

FENRIR: Oh no. Not him…

NEVILLE: It's Harry Potter! (suddenly the silhouette of HARRY POTTER fills the archway, he raises his wand to the surrounding Death Eaters)

HARRY: Expelliarmus! (the Death Eaters' wands are cast aside and they begin to scramble in terror)

FENRIR: Where are you going, you cretins!? He's just a child (Harry emerges from the archway, a full-grown teen wiz-kid)

HARRY: I'm not a child anymore. I'm seventeen years old. Happy Birthday to me. And what better present than the last of the Death Eaters, all conveniently in the same place, wrapped in a big bow. You made a mistake coming here tonight, Fenrir.

FENRIR: You arrogant little—-

HARRY: You've been trying to kill me all year and now you threaten my friends?! Let's finish this. (he raises his wand)

FENRIR: As you wish. (he lashes out with his wand) Avada Kedavra!

HARRY: (he dodges Fenrir's spell and shoots one of his own) Jelly Legs Jinx!

FENRIR: Woah! Woah! My legs are jell… (Fenrir stumbles backwards and falls through the

veil to hell) WAHHHHH! (he is gone)

DEATH EATER #1: Let's get out of here! (the Death Eaters scatter to the doors and archways in the room, making their escape)

HERMIONE: Harry! The rest of the Death Eaters are getting away!

HARRY: Oh no they're not. (before the Death Eaters can escape, the doors to the chamber burst open)

WIZARD COP#1: Freeze motherf*cker, we're the Wizard Cops! (THE WIZARD COPS rush in to save the day, their wands drawn)

RON, HERMIONE, LUNA & NEVILLE: The wizard cops! (the Wizard Cops push the Death Eaters to the floor, hand cuffing each and every last one)

WIZARD COP#2: On the ground! On the ground! (the Death Eaters are beat. Just then, KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT enters)

KINGSLEY: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it again ya'll.

HERMIONE: Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Minister of Magic!

KINGSLEY: And chief of the wizard cops. Well, now that ya'll saved the world and rounded up the last of these Dark Magic turkeys, I gotta ask: Why the HELL can't you kids just let me do my job for once?!

HERMIONE: Mr. Shacklebolt, you don't understand! We had to stop the Death Eaters! Harry was having these visions…

KINGSLEY: Yeah, I already heard the whole story from your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He's the one that gave us the call to come down here tonight. Come on in Alastor! (MAD-EYE MOODY enters)

MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello, hello.

KIDS: Mad Eye Moody!

MAD-EYE MOODY: That's right. That was some fine work you done here, Potter. I taught you well.

HARRY: Thanks Professor.

MAD-EYE MOODY: And you defeated Fenrir Greyback did you?

RON: He sure did.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Nice. Very nice.

HERMIONE: Looks like the Death Eaters were after this. (she holds up the diary) But we managed to keep it away from them.

MAD-EYE MOODY: And it's a good thing you did, Miss Granger. If the Death Eaters were to get a hold of that then the entire world would be in jeopardy. You best hand that

over to me now. I'll keep it nice and safe. (he reaches for the diary, but Harry intercepts it)

HARRY: Oh, I'm sure you would Professor Moody, or should I say… Barty Crouch!

(Panicked, MAD-EYE MOODY rips off his mad-eye revealing himself to actually be the villainous BARTY CROUCH JR.)

BARTY CROUCH: Blimme! (Barty grabs Kingsley and puts a gun to his head) No one move a goddamn muscle you hear me!? Drop the wands. (everyone freezes and drops their weapons) So Potter, how long have you known it was me?

HARRY: I've had my suspicions for a while. It was briefly mentioned Mad Eye Moody died during my second year, but I wasn't sure it was you until tonight. Now you're gonna answer for you crimes, Farty Couch.

BARTY CROUCH: Oh yeah? I've got a better idea! Me and Mr. Shacklebolt are gonna make our way to the Floo Network, and we're going on nice little trip, and none of you jive-ass bobbies is gonna follow! You dig!? (this infuriates the Wizard Cops, but Kingsley motions for them to calm down)

KINGSLEY: Chill my wizard-cats. We dig Mood-Eye. We dig. (Barty begins to drag Kingsley away)

HARRY: Oh Barty, if you're going on a vacation I know a first rate hotel that offers free

bodyguard service and meals. It has every amenity. One could live there.

BARTY CROUCH: Oh, I'm sure they require reservations.

HARRY: Nope. You don't need one… for Hotel Azkaban!

BARTY CROUCH: That's enough out of you Potter; you self-righteous son of a bitch.

(he points his gun at Harry) Avada Kedavra! Huh? (Nothing happens. This is because a gun is

not a wand and cannot shoot spells. Hermione picks up her wand and aims it at Barty)

HERMIONE: Stupify! (Barty falls backwards, out for the count; Kingsley is free)

BARTY CROUCH: AHHHHHHH!

KIDS: Yey!

KINGSLEY: That was some quick thinking. You just saved my life. But that still doesn't

excuse what you kids did here tonight. Breaking into the Department of Mysteries,

flying threshals right through the Queen's Day parade. You kittens may think

Dumbledore's Army can take on the world, but ya'll should have called us the second

you heard some funky shit was going down here tonight!

HARRY: Sorry Kingsley, just didn't have the time.

KINGSLEY: You know what Potter!? You're a hot-shot loose cannon! It's that kind of

maverick attitude… that makes you perfect for the Wizard Cops!

KIDS: Wow!

KINGSLEY: So what do you say HP, you ready to join the force and take a bite out of

crime?

HARRY: I'd love to. But I can't.

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KINGSLEY: And why the HELL not!?

HARRY: Cause I'm going back to Hogwarts. Senior year starts September first.

KINGSLEY: Haha. Well dang HP, you're right. It's a shame though; you would've

made one wizard-goddamn, wizard-hell of a wizard-cop. Alright boys, pack these

suckers up! (Kingsley and the Wizard Cops start taking the Death Eaters away; Harry stuffs the

diary into his pocket and picks Barty up off the floor)

HARRY: Beaten again. You Death Eaters never learn. Your Dark Lord's been dead for

five years. Why do you guys keep hanging on to something that's over?

BARTY CROUCH: Well, if it's over for me then it's over for you too, Potter. All you are

is someone who fights us. When we're gone the world won't need a hero. And soon,

you'll be forgotten. If the Dark Lord can't live forever, then neither can you.

HARRY: (Harry looks a Barty for a moment, then pushes him towards the Wizard Cops) Take

him away.

SCENE 2 – THE BURROW

Lights up on The Burrow, the home of the Weasley family; the house is small and messy, on the

wall hangs a sign that reads "Burrow, Sweet Burrow". MOLLY WEASLEY enters in a huff

MOLLY: Rise and shine, Weasleys! It's September 1st and you know what that means!

You little knuckleheads better be packed and ready to leave for school after breakfast!

(GINNY WEASLEY enters)

GINNY: Hi, mom! Have you seen my boyfriend, Harry Potter?

MOLLY: No dear, I haven't dear. I've got all these extra kids staying at the house! Bill's

wife. Ron's girlfriend! Harry's girlfriend! I'm swamped! Would you go and wake

everyone up for me?

GINNY: You got it mom! (GINNY walks up a crooked staircase to the bedroom, where she

finds RON sitting on the edge of the bed, lightly strumming a guitar and singing with his

meager voice)

GINNY: Heeeeeyyy Haaaaarrrryy Potter! It's time for breakfast!

RON: AHH! EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING!? Get outta my room! (RON hides his

guitar from GINNY)

GINNY: It's my room too Ronald! What are you doing in here anyway?

RON: None of your beeswax thunder-butt!

CHARLIE: He's writing a love song for his girlfriend. (CHARLIE WEASLEY pops up

from beneath the covers.)

RON: Charlie! Get outta here!

CHARLIE: It's my room too.

FLEUR: I think it's romantic! (FLEUR DELACOUR pops up from beneath the covers)

RON: Fleur!

BILL: I think you're romantic. (BILL WEASLEY pops up)

FLEUR: Bill! (they kiss)

RON: Ew! Get a room you two!

BILL: This is our room!

PERCY: Will you guys shut your fat faces! It's the butt-crack of dawn! (PERCY is also in

the bed)

BILL: Percy, you're just jealous of Ronnie's girlfriend, and my beautiful wife.

PERCY: As if! Argh! I'm gonna go sleep out in the garden! At least the gnomes are quiet!

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RON: Percy! Don't go out there! Hermione's reading in the garden!

PERCY: So? Why isn't she in here with you, Mr. Perfect?!

CHARLIE: Yeah, what's up Ron? Why didn't Hermione crawl into bed with us last

night?

BILL, FLEUR, GINNY: Yeah?

RON: Well, she was up late reading. We haven't been spending too much time together

cause she's really into these young adult novels lately.

(Percy storms out of the room)

RON: That's what the guitar is for. I thought I could sweep Hermione off her feet if I

wrote her a song. I'm just trying to get her to kiss me again.

CHARLIE: Well, when was the last time she kissed you?

RON: Let me think… Um… Yeah. It was that first time.

FLEUR: Ron, as someone who's so very happy in love, I have advice for. Just… how

you say?… Be yourself!

GINNY: Yeah Ron! That's what girls want. Not love songs or cheesy compliments or

surprise presents. (just then HARRY literally surfs into the room on a heart shaped guitar,

being held up by enchanted rose pedals. He aims a real bow and arrow at GINNY, as though he

were cupid, but misses and pierces RON in the leg.)

RON: AHRGH! (HARRY then surfs onto the bed and flips the guitar into the air. He sings)

HARRY: "Ginny, Ginny, Ginny, you're my lover, oh yeah!" I love you Ginny Weasely!

You're the most magical creature I've ever seen! Surprise! A present! (he pulls out the

Diary from the Department of Mysteries with a bow on it)

GINNY: AHHHHHHH! HARRY POTTER, YOU'RE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER! A

diary!? Oh boy!

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HARRY: Yup. Those Death Eaters aren't using it anymore so I figured I'd give it to you

as a going back to Hogwarts gift.

GINNY: Oh, Harry Potter! It's perfect! I'm going to go write in it right away! (She exits)

HARRY: Hey Ron. Hey Weasleys!

WEASLEYS: Hey good buddy!

HARRY: Guys, thanks for letting me stay at the Burrow all summer.

RON: No problem pal. Sorry you had to share a bed with Ginny the whole time. It must

be weird sleeping with your girlfriend.

HARRY: No. It was weird that your mom was there too. And you. And your whole

family. All in one bed. You guys are so poor.

RON: Yeah… You all packed for Hogwarts?

HARRY: Yep. I got my invisibility cloak, that piece of the mirror Sirius gave me, and my

talk boy. But what I can't find is my lucky snitch.

RON: You mean the one Dumbledore left you when he died?

HARRY: Yeah, have you guys seen it? It has an inscription on the side of it that says "I

open at the close", whatever that means.

BILL: Oh, I think I saw that… behind Fleur's ear! (Bills pulls the Snitch out from behind

Fleur's ear)

FLEUR: Bill! You did a magic! (they kiss. Then Bill, Fleur and Charlie exit.)

RON: Man. I'm surrounded by people kissing. Bill and Fleur. You kiss Ginny. I wanna

do that too!

HARRY: Dude, she's your sister, just ask her.

RON: Gross! No, I mean with Hermione.

HARRY: Gross!

(just then Hermione enters, sighing and closing her copy of the book Mockingjay)

HERMIONE: Oh wow. Our young depressed heroine reluctantly settles for the doughy

boy next door. And although she had some kids, I like to think she was still unfulfilled.

Another perfect end to another perfect young adult novel series. The Hunger Games, by

Gilderoy Lockheart; he's such a genius!

HARRY: Who's Gilderoy Lockheart?

HERMIONE: Who's Gilderoy Lockheart!? He's only my favorite author and idol! He's

like the most talented, famous, beautiful wizard ever! He's given the world so many

wonderful young adult novels. The Twilight Saga. The Hunger Games. Percy Jackson

and whatever he did.

HARRY: Twilight? Oh, I heard about that. I don't like how those books objectify men.

HERMIONE: Oh yeah hot stuff! Have you ever read them!? Have you ever read a

book!?

HARRY: No! Have you ever not read a book?

HERMIONE: No! I just can't stand people who don't read. Ron, are you almost done

with the Hunger Games? I gave you the first book weeks ago.

RON: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…Yeah. Yes. I did. It was good. It was a good game.

HERMIONE: Oh really? What is it about?

RON: Uhhhhhh….It's about a…. um…uh… hungry!… uhhh… withholding girl who

won't KISS HER BOYFRIEND!

HERMIONE: You did read it!

GINNY: Hey guys! I already told my diary so now I'm gonna tell you! Breakfast is

ready! Come on! (They walk downstairs to the dining room. The table is set. BILL, FLUER

& THE OTHER WEASLEYS enter)

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FLEUR: Bon jour, Weasleys!

PERCY: Yeah, sorry my girlfriend couldn't be here everyone, but the wifi isn't working.

BILL: Percy, you don't have a girlfriend.

PERCY: EAT IT, CREEPO!

BILL: Booger Butt!

MOLLY: Boys, stop it! Arthur say something! They don't respect me!

ARTHUR: Bill! Don't call your brother names! Percy! Don't lie to the family, it hurts

your poor mother! Look she's crying!

MOLLY: I'll be fine! I'm just so sad that this is the last meal we have with these boys

before they leave me for a whole year! (she rushes over to Harry and Ron and pulls them in

tight) I can't wait until you're all done with Hogwarts so you can just move back in

here! Like all my other children! Even Fred came back from the dead as a ghost to stay

at home! (FRED floats up through the table)

FRED: The light… I can see the light… it's my time to move on now… looks like I won't

be able to do the dishes…Percy will have to cover for me… (chuckles from the rest of the

Weasley's)

MOLLY: Oh Fred, knock it off. And get out of the table! (GEORGE comes from around

the corner with a sheet over his head and eye holes cut out.)

GEORGE: But I'm Fred!

MOLLY: George! HAHAHAHA! (Everyone laughs raucously except PERCY)

PERCY: That's not funny. (he laughs a little bit though)

MOLLY: That includes you Harry! The second you're done with Hogwarts you're more

than welcome to move right in here!

HARRY: Golly, that's really nice of you Mrs. Weasley.

MOLLY: So… ARE YOU MOVING IN OR NOT?

HARRY: Um, I don't know. I guess I never thought about life after Hogwarts. It's the

only home I've ever known. I can't even imagine leaving it behind.

BILL: Well you don't have to worry about that yet, Harry. You've still got your whole

senior year.

ARTHUR: Speaking of senior year! I've got a present for you Ronnie my boy! It's a

Weasley family tradition! Here you go son, the keys to the flying car!

WEASLEYS: YEH!

ARTHUR: Yep! You're going to Hogwarts in style! And you can have it all year son!

HARRY & RON: This is gonna be the best year ever!

ARTHUR: It sure is! Cheers Everyone! To senior year!

EVEYONE: To senior year! (they all clink glasses)

SONG- SENIOR YEAR

RON: (singing)

We're going back to Hogwarts for the very last time

HERMIONE:

our final year, at last it's here, time to start our lives

GINNY:

and everyone's excited 'bout what the future holds for you

what the world's most famous wizard is gonna get into

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ALL:

well we're going back today

in the very same old way

tell me Harry, can't you hear

it's gonna be your year

It's a VERY POTTER SENIOR YEAR

They hear the "Honk! Honk!" of the Flying Car as it magically pulls up outside

RON: (speaking) Come on guys! Let's hop in the flying car and get outa here!

WEASLEYS: Bye!

ARTHUR: I love you so much!

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny pile into the Flying Car and take off for Hogwarts

RON: (singing)

I never thought that we would get this far

But we made it, we're on top of the world!

ALL:

(We're on top of the world)

RON:

I feel unstoppable, I'm super-charged

ALL:

It's contagious that's for sure

(We're on top of the world)

HERMIONE:

We'll have some cool new spells to learn

And we're gonna earn good grades

GINNY:

You're gonna spend lotsa time with me

And this is gonna be

The very best year!

ALL:

The very best year!

ALL:

It's a very potter senior year!

Senior year!

We're not just kids anymore!

Senior year!

Senior year!

Better than ever before!

ALL: It's a very Potter Senior Year!

HARRY:

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Something's on the horizon

And I know that something is me

I've been realizin'

There's no one else I'd rather be than me

you know I'm gonna rule the school

RON:

Just remember when you need a friend

Our friendship never ends

I'll be there

GINNY & HERMIONE:

(We're at your side)

HERMIONE:

Don't forget I got a hand to lend

You don't have to pretend

Anymore

GINNY & RON:

(No don't do that)

HARRY:

Cause you're the very best friends to me

and this is gonna be the very best year!

ALL:

The very best year!

ALL:

It's a very potter senior year!

Senior year!

We're not just kids anymore!

Senior year!

Senior year!

Better than ever before!

GINNY & HERMIONE:

This is the last time

HARRY:

I'll be the king of the school,

RON:

Oh man it's gonna rule!

GINNY & HERMIONE:

This is the last time

RON:

We gotta make it count,

HARRY:

That's what I'm all about!

GINNY & HERMIONE:

This is the magic

HARRY & RON:

Of growing up and showing up for

ALL:

15

Senior year

GINNY, RON & HERMIONE:

This is the last time

HARRY:

And soon all the fun

Will be over and done

GINNY, RON & HERMIONE:

This is the last time

HARRY:

It's hard to pretend

That I'm not scared of the end

GINNY, RON & HERMIONE:

This is the magic

HARRY:

There must be something more

But I should get ready for my senior-

ALL:

senior year!

Senior year!

We're not just kids anymore!

Senior year!

Senior year!

Better than ever before!

(this is the last time)

It's a Very Potter Senior Year!

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny look out their windshield to see HOGWARTS off in the

distance; it's glorious.

RON: Well, there she is. Hogwarts. Welcome home Harry.

HARRY: Okay Ron, just land in that courtyard over there so everyone can see how cool

we look.

RON: You got it buddy. (as they descend the ride becomes very turbulent)

HARRY: Ron, keep her steady man. Don't hit the Whomping Willow or anything.

RON: Okay, dude, I'm trying! Uh oh! We're going down! Hold on!

HARRY: TO WHAT!?

KIDS: Ahhhhhhhh! (they crash)

SCENE 3 – THE GREAT HALL

Lights up on the smoking wreckage of the Flying Car, which has crashed into the Herbology

Room of Hogwarts; completely destroying it

HARRY: Woah. Wipe out.

HERMIONE: Ron, look what you did!

16

HARRY: Hey, at least we crashed into the Herbology Room. I always hated that class.

(the Flying Car suddenly comes to life once more and drives off)

RON: Hey! Hey! Where are you going?!

HARRY: No, Ron, your car's got the right idea. Let's get outta here before we get in

really big trouble. (suddenly MINERVA MCGONAGALL enters)

MCGONAGALL: Oh, in the name of stuffy, old ninnies everywhere, what's all the

hubbub in here… POTTER!?

KIDS: Professor McGonagall!

MCGONAGALL: Look what you've done to greenhouse! An entire crop of Mandrakes

destroyed! It'll take all year to grow another! And look! You killed Professor Sprout!

You'd better have a jolly good explanation for all this or, so help me, you'll be expelled

so fast your head will spin-spin like a Fizzing Fancy!

HARRY: Guys, lemme take care of this. Professor, this isn't what it looks like. We

couldn't have destroyed the Herbology room, you see… because it was like this when

we got here.

MCGONAGALL: Potter, I know I may not be as "hip" as Dumbledore was but I'm the

Headmaster of this school now. I consider myself a very reasonable uptight-bitch but if

you expect me to believe that cockamamie excuse then you've got another thing coming!

RON: But it's true!

MCGONAGALL: I'm sorry, but if you haven't got a witness to back up your story then

it's out of my hands, Potter. (just then, DRACO MALFOY struts into the room)

DRACO: Well, well, well… What a fine opportunity that has fallen from the sky straight

into my diapered lap.

HARRY: Malfoy!

DRACO: How fortuitous that I happened to be exploring the next room with my

bilingual friend Dora (Draco holds up a Dora the Explora doll), when I witnessed the entire

goings on of what happened here tonight.

MCGONAGALL: Oh thank goodness, Draco. Can you please clear up this whole mess?

DRACO: Indeed I can. But before I do, I just want to point out to Mr. Potter how I now

hold his fate in the palm of my tiny hand.

RON: Malfoy, you little shit…

DRACO: And I can safely say, Headmaster, that these fellows… are entirely innocent.

MCGONAGALL, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE & GINNY: What?!

17

MCGONAGALL: Well, then who's responsible for this severe property damage?

DRACO: Isn't it obvious? (to his Dora the Explora doll) Sorry old friend. (turns to

McGonagall) It was Dora.

MCGONAGALL: Miss Explora! I am shocked! Well you're coming with me.

DRACO: Looks like this is where our adventure ends Dora. I really did love you. (Draco

puts his hand over his mouth and makes a small Dora voice) Te amo tambien, y… lo siento

MCGONAGALL: You kids had better head off to the Great Hall or you'll miss the

welcoming feast. Spit spot! Off you go! (she exits)

RON: (wiping sweat from his brow) Shwew. That was a close one.

HARRY: Alright, Malfoy, what's the deal?

DRACO: What? Surprised how I could pin your crime on that saucy tart? I'm not

denying it, I did sleep with her; but she's been seeing my Paddington Bear behind my

back for weeks now. I'll have to settle up with him one of these days; he's had his own

way for far too long. You see Potter, it's very dangerous to be one of my enemies. That's

why it's a good thing that… we're friends.

HARRY: Yeah right. I'll never be your friend Malfoy. Come on guys. (the kids head out of

the Herbology room and make their way through the halls of Hogwarts)

DRACO: Oh come now, surely you chaps must remember all the good times we've had

during our school years together. Like when we battled Professor Quirell and I

destroyed that last horcrux. Or how about when I traveled back in time to our first year

to save you from my evil father?

HARRY: No, I don't really remember that… cause I was 11.

DRACO: Well, certainly you can't have forgotten our third year?! The most memorable

and beloved one, when we all went to Pigfarts! I did a lot of really important stuff that

year; and there were so many songs and good clean jokes and nobody swore.

HARRY: Oh yeah, I remember… F*ck that year.

DRACO: We've only got one more year together, chums. What do you say we finally

burry the hatchet and enjoy these, the best days of our lives, together, as good friends

should?

HARRY: Whatever, Malfoy. Just butt out.

RON: As in, get your poopy butt outta here!

DRACO: Alright, dudes. Until next time, hang loose! (he exits as Harry and the gang reach

THE GREAT HALL; kids flood the stage and there is a great hustle and bustle; SEAMUS

FINNIGAN and DEAN THOMAS enter)

SEAMUS: Bloody nuts, it's Harry Potter.

HARRY: Seamus. (he hugs Seamus) Dean, gimme some skin. (he hugs Dean)

DEAN: Much love. (there is the flash of a camera, COLIN CREEVEY has taken a picture of

them)

COLIN: Zowzers bowzers! Harry Potter! Mind a few pictures? For the school paper?

HARRY: Who's this?

COLIN: Colin Creevey, sir. First year. I just got sorted into Gryffindor House, and I'm a

huge fan!

HARRY: Is that so? That's what I like to hear. Hey, be sure to get one of just me. (Harry

poses)

COLIN: Jillickers! Sure! (Colin snaps another picture)

(just then NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK floats by)

NICK: Boo! Did I frighten you Gryffindors?

18

RON: Are you kidding, Nearly-Headless Nick?! Gryffindor is the house of the free and

the home of the brave!

NICK: That's what I like to hear! See you at my Death-Day Party, will I?

HARRY: I wouldn't miss it for the world.

HERMIONE: Sounds intellectually stimulating!

NICK: Good show! (he floats away)

COLIN: Well, I'm off to the dark-room to develop these shots. Wow! I still can't believe

I'm in the same house as THE Harry Potter! (he exits)

HARRY: I can tell that boy has a long and illustrious career ahead of him. (as all the kids

head to their tables/benches, McGonagall reenters and takes center stage)

MCGONAGALL: Alright children! Silence! Silence! Welcome one and all to another

magical year at Hogwarts! For some of you, this is your first year. For others, this is your

last. But whether you're Freshmen, Seniors, or in between, I hope that you all have a lot

of fun! Now, before I introduce this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I

would like to present the school's newly chosen Head-Girl, Miss Cho Chang! (CHO

CHANG stands)

CHO: Howdy, ya'll! I'm the Head-Girl, so come to me with all your head-needs. Or if you

need any help with school and stuff!

MCGONAGALL: Now I would've introduced this year's Head-Boy, but sadly the

young man who was chosen was murdered at the end of last term by Fenrir Greyback.

RON: Poor fool.

MCGONAGALL: Of course, we cannot leave the school Head-Boy-Less, so to fill the

gap we have chosen two male students to act as candidates in the first ever Hogwarts

Head-Boy Election. These two young men will campaign for the position throughout the

first term, at the end of which there will be a school-wide vote. The winner, having been

determined to be the most popular boy at school, will act as Head-Boy for the rest of the

year. And the two candidates are… Harry Potter!

RON: Woo! Woo! Woo!

MCGONAGALL: And Draco Malfoy!

RON: Hahaha! Malfoy?!

DRACO: Hmm, it is with a heavy heart that I accept this civil duty. Of course my vote

will be going to Harry Potter, who I believe to be the best man for the job.

HARRY: Thank you Malfoy. I'll be voting for myself as well.

MCGONAGALL: You will each been be given a campaign budget of $50…

KIDS: (impressed) Ooooo…

MCGONAGALL: …Whence you have settled upon a campaign manager.

HARRY: Easy. As my campaign manager I choose my very best friend who's really

smart and good at organizing things… Ron Weasley!

DRACO: A fine choice. And for my campaign manager, I pick my most trusted

underling… Crabbe and Goyle. (a door opens and GOYLE walks onto the stage alone and

sad) Goyle, where the devil is Crabbe?

GOYLE: Hm… Me and Crabbe were in the Room of Requirements… We started a fire

and… (sigh)… Crabbe's dead.

DRACO: Oh no… I was counting on his vote.

GOYLE: But it's okay. I met this guy on the train who seems pretty cool. (through the door

walks THE CANDY LADY pushing her trolley of candy)

CANDY LADY: Candy from the trolley?

DRACO: Oh brimstone and broil. She'll have to do.

19

HARRY: This is great. For a while I was worried, but without Crabbe, Malfoy doesn't

stand a chance!

RON: Yeah, Harry. You got this election in the bag! (suddenly the door swings open,

startling everyone, and GILDEROY LOCKHEART enters)

GILDEROY: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that.

SEAMUS: Bloody piss! It's…

HERMIONE: Gilderoy Lockheart!

KIDS: WOOOOAAAAHHHH!

GILDEROY: Yes, yes, hello ladies and… ladies. (he takes Cho Chang's hand and kisses it)

Here, have a signed headshot. (he hands her the picture) That'll be forty dollars. (she gives

him some money) Thanks.

MCGONAGALL: Children, it is my great pleasure to introduce your new Defense

Against the Dark Arts teacher: New York Times bestseller, Tony Award winner and all

around heartthrob… Mr. Gilderoy Lockheart!

GILDEROY: Why thank you, Headmaster. You're too kind for your own good, and a

little too foxy for mine. (wink; McGonagall swoons) Here, have a signed copy of my

country album. (Gilderoy hands her a record entitled "Achey Breaky Lockheart.") Seventeen

big ones please. (he takes a 20 dollar bill from her) I'll keep the change.

SEAMUS: (points to Gilderoy) That's the most famous wizard in the world that is!

HARRY: Woah, guys! (stands and points to himself) I think you mean second most famous.

GILDEROY: Well, Harry Potter. We meet at last. Yes, I've heard all about your heroic

deeds… in the past. (they shake hands)

HARRY: Yeah. Well, why don't you have a copy my country album? (Harry hands

Gilderoy a record entitled "Save A Horse, Ride A Cow-Boy Who Lived") On the house.

GILDEROY: Oh, how generous of you. But why would I want a record that's so… out

of fashion?! (he throws the record to the ground, shattering it into a million pieces)

KIDS: WHAT?!

GILDEROY: Oh, didn't you kids hear? Harry Potter used to be cool.

SEAMUS: Used to be cool?

DEAN: Watchu talkin' 'bout?

GILDEROY: I guess you've all been locked up in this horrible school for so long that

you've lost touch with the real magical world.

20

RON: But Harry just saved the real magical world from real Death Eaters.

GILDEROY: Boring! How sick are we all of seeing Harry fight Death Eater after Death

Eater in these long, drawn-out episodes? I mean, how many years ago did the Dark Lord

die?! Five! And here's Harry Potter, still doing the same thing again and again. Look!

He's even been dating the same butter-faced girl since he was twelve! I mean, when will

it end so we can move on with our lives?!

SEAMUS: Yeah!

HARRY: No, you're wrong Gilderoy. People love me. My adventures aren't repetitive.

They're familiar and comforting. Besides, if the whole Wizarding world isn't obsessed

with Harry Potter, then who are they into now?

GILDEROY: Why that would be… me. I'm telling you children, take one step off the

grounds of Hogwarts and you know what they'll be talking about? A forbidden love

between a young girl and a Dracula monster. Twilight. Now a major motion picture. (he

hands a signed copy of the book to the kids)

KIDS: OoooooOooo.

LAVENDAR: Forbidden love. Sounds exciting!

LUNA: And smutty! Wow! Harry's love story has always been an under-developed side

thing.

GILDEROY: And have you children ever heard the amazing tale of Percy Jackson and

the Lightning Thief?!

KIDS: Ohhhh….

LAVENDAR: What's a Lightning Thief!?

GILDEROY: I don't know… Yes, the world has grown weary of Harry Potter. He's

nothing more than a passing fad! Entirely old hat.

HARRY: Old hat?! OLD HAT?! How's this for "old hat"? (he takes out his guitar and

begins to sing)

Hermione can't draw. Hermione can't draw.

Hermione cannot draw… (Cho stands in Hermione's defense)

CHO: Harry, that song is not funny anymore. It is rude and insensitive! Making fun of

Herman Granger?! How dare you! She's my best friend!

HARRY: Wha… But… Come on guys… No one delivers classic musical hijinks like

HP…

GILDEROY: Oh, why anyone could strum that silly old lyre! It takes a real man to tickle

the ivories… (Gilderoy sits down at a baby grand piano which has risen from the floor Phantomof-

the-Opera style; he begins to play it as he sings)

SONG- WIZARD OF THE YEAR

GILDEROY:

Who's wiser than a warlock, and tougher than a troll,

and charming as a candy cane?

Faster than a phoenix, sly as a sphinx,

and always set to entertain?

Here to give this sagging tale a hero to employ.

Look up to the skies, now look in my eyes,

it's Gilderoy!

21

Who's handsome as a hobbit, and manly as a mare,

and always gives the girls a wink?

Who's funny as a ferret, and quick as a quill,

and always sings without a lip sync?

Here to rid your nostrils of that dreadful Potter boy

'cause that smell in the air is the marvelous flair of

scuse me, Gilderoy!

Long ago lived a fellow who caught your eye,

Hair that curled in a beautiful fro.

Now it's gone, and replaced with a suit and tie,

dancing in a variety show.

Oh, where did he go? Does he even care at all?

Recently, he's been acting very queer.

Every day, his story grows more and more banal,

And Voldemort isn't coming this year.

Gilderoy is here to fill your short attention span.

Why look at that wonder boy,

when you could be looking at a wonder man?

GIRLS:

We could be looking at a wonder man!

GILDEROY:

Who was Wizard of the Year seven times in seven years?

(spoken) Who was it?

KIDS:

Gilderoy!

GILDEROY:

Who conquered all his fears and made a bogart disappear?

(spoken) go on say it!

KIDS:

Gilderoy!

GILDEROY:

Who taught a yeti how to sing?

Walked in to Mordor and destroyed the ring?

Battled a banshee and came out a champ?

trapped Jafar inside of a lamp?

Stories of wonder for each girl and boy

Paperback or hardback, for you to enjoy

Form an orderly line,

KIDS:

It's Gilderoy!

(As they sings this, everyone forms a line and walks up one at a time, handing over cash for

22

books, headshots, pieces of lint from Gilderoy's armpits, etc)

GILDEROY:

Ladies one at a time!

KIDS:

It's Gilderoy!

GILDEROY:

Give me something to sign!

KIDS:

It's Gilderoy!

GILDEROY:

All sales are final.

Soon the school will be mine!

EVERYONE:

It's Gilderoy!

(The kids laugh and cheer and follow Gilderoy out of the room; the only two people left are Harry

and Ginny)

HARRY: Yeah! Yeah! That song was okay. But check this out! (singing) I'm Harry

Freakin' Potter! I don't wince at all! I'm invincible from all…harm… (talking) Ow. Ouch.

Oh man. What is this? Ouch…I feel something? It's not like a bummer or even a wipe

out. It's like a "drag", man… but worse.

GINNY: Oh Harry. Don't listen to that Gilderoy. Everybody still likes you, even if no

one likes you anymore.

HARRY: No. He's right.

GINNY: Harry…

HARRY: He's right, Ginny. I'm boring. I'm predictable. I keep doing the same stuff

every year. Fight the same dudes. Date the same girl. I'm old hat.

GINNY: Well, you know what they say about an old hat! It fits like a glove!

HARRY: I gotta shake things up! I gotta change everything! Stay fresh! Have a

forbidden love of my own! Then people won't forget about me! Ever! Ginny, I'm sorry

but…We have to break up.

GINNY: What? But… but… we love each other. Don't we?

HARRY: Ginny, it's not that I don't like you. It's that other people don't like me. It's

nothing personal.

GINNY: But… I need you. My body needs you! I gave you five years of my life!

HARRY: Yeah, and they were bodacious. We had some really great times. I'll never

throw out any of the stuff you bought me. And I'm sure you'll never forget how hard I

wrocked your world.

GINNY: So, that's it?! "Goodbye"? Just like that?!

HARRY: Ginny, this isn't "goodbye". It's just "you're cramping my style". Ginny, I'm

sorry. Please don't make this hard on me.

GINNY: Fine! I won't Harry Potter! You suck! (Ginny runs off crying as Ron enters)

HARRY: Ginny, that's not fair! You know I'm self-conscious about that right now!

RON: Whoa. What's wrong with her?

23

HARRY: Ron, I'm sorry man… but I just broke up with your sister. (Ron stares at him for

a moment in disbelief)

RON: YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS! This is the best news ever! I gotta tell you, I hated

pretending to be nice to your girlfriend because I cannot stand my stupid little sister.

Yes! This feels good!

HARRY: Yeah, I just hope she'll be okay.

RON: Who cares?! You're a free man! You can do whatever you want. You could finally

go on a date with Cho Chang, ya'll.

HARRY: Yeah, maybe. But first let's concentrate on making sure I'm still the most

popular kid in school. Let's win that Head-Boy election! (the boys exit)

SCENE 4- ALWALYS DANCE

Lights up on the Girl's Bathroom; Ginny sits in an open stall, holding a picture of Harry Potter

and sobbing her eyes out

GINNY: No. No. It can't be true…P-p-p-p-p-p-wease. (suddenly MOANING MYRTLE, a

ghost, floats out of a nearby stall)

MOANING MYRTLE: Hey! Shut up over there! People are avoiding this bathroom and

I think it's your fault!

GINNY: Sorry Moaning Myrtle…I'm just heartbroken

MOANING MYRTLE: Aw, get me a violin! Harry Potter's girlfriend sad cause she's

still alive! F*CK YOU!

GINNY: I'm not Harry Potter's girlfriend anymore. I might as well die…

MOANING MYRTLE: Well don't die here! The last thing this school needs is a whiney

BITCH haunting this bathroom! Now keep it down! Your voice is annoying! (she floats

away)

GINNY: Okay… Sniff, Sniff. (Ginny takes out the Diary that Harry gave to her and starts

writing) Dear Diary. It's me, Ginny. Today my whole world fell apart. My boyfriend

dumped me! Well, you know what? I'm done with him! I hate him! You hear me diary? I

hate Harry Potter! (an eerie voice emits from the Diary; the voice of TOM RIDDLE)

TOM RIDDLE: Tell me about it.

24

GINNY: Huh? Huuuuh?! Who said that?

TOM RIDDLE: Someone who understands you Ginny. Someone who knows what it's

like to be filled with hate.

GINNY: Diary?!

TOM RIDDLE: I'm a journal! Not a diary! Diaries are for girls. No, Ginny, I'm a magic

diary… SHIT! I mean, journal! I'm a magic journal… enchanted with the spirit of it's

former owner.

GINNY: Harry?

TOM RIDDLE: No!

GINNY: Harry gave it to me.

TOM RIDDLE: Read the name on the cover, stupid!

GINNY: Tom… (tries to read middle name) Marv… Marvle… Mar…

TOM RIDDLE: Just skip that name. It's a made up name for this letter re-arranging

trick… you'll find out later. Just go to the next name.

GINNY: Riddle.

TOM RIDDLE: Yes, Tom Riddle. I'm a piece of his soul, separated from the whole and

bound to this diary… SHIT! JOURNAL! BOUND TO THIS F*CKING JOURNAL!

GINNY: What do want, diary?

TOM RIDDLE: To help you, Ginny. That's what journals are for. See, I was once like

you. Alone. Angry. The world had turned it's back on me.

GINNY: What did you do?!

TOM RIDDLE: Let me show you… in a magic flashback. It all started when I was a boy,

an orphan boy… (Lights down on Ginny. Lights up on the magic flashback; we find ourselves

in Wool's Orphanage, many years ago. Mrs. Cole enters in the midst of conversation.)

MRS. COLE: I think you'll find that Wool's Orphanage is a first rate establishment. We

carry over seven breeds of orphan, including street urchin, rosy-cheeked, crippled,

delightfully small, and one evil, little, telekinetic anti-Christ…. Oh, and then there's Tom

Riddle. Tell me, what kind of orphan are you interested in today, Mr…

DUMBLEDORE: Dumbledore. (Dumbledore enters. He is dressed in a purple suit; he wears

Scarfy around his neck) Albus Dumbledore. But you can call me Dumby, or Big D. The

"D" stands for my… doctorate! I'm a professor, at a school for very magical children… I

mean, regular children.

MRS. COLE: Well, Big D, we have a couple of those in stock. Follow me.

SCARFY: Your shawl is cute! What's his name?! (Dumbledore turns away from Mrs. Cole)

DUMBLEDORE: (whispers) Scarfy! Quiet! This is a muggle orphanage. We're

undercover!

MRS. COLE: Why thank you, Dumby. I got this shawl at Marshal's. You're a charmer.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. Listen, Doll-Face, I'm here to see one little cutie in particular.

That Tom Riddle. I think he might be just right for our school.

MRS. COLE: Tom Riddle? Are you sure you don't want to see the Anti-Christ? He's a

little less… freaky.

DUMBLEDORE: Freaky? How is Tom freaky?

MRS. COLE: There have been several incidents, Mr. Dumbledore. Nasty things. You

see… he's always dancing around like a little fruitcake. It's poisoning the other boys

minds. They see him dance and it looks so fun they wanna dance too.

DUMBLEDORE: And just what is wrong with that?

25

MRS. COLE: Well, you know how these things go; first it's dancing then it's musical

theatre. And I don't want these boys to become a bunch of thesbians, if you catch my

meaning. It's just not natural.

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, what do you know you filthy muggle! I'll see the boy and judge

for myself, thank you very much.

MRS. COLE: Suit yourself. But I warn you, that boy is a monster. (Mrs. Cole and

Dumbledore enter Tom Riddle's room. Tom sits on his bed.) Thomas, you have a visitor. A

Professor Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE: How do you do, Tom? (Tom turns to Dumbledore)

TOM RIDDLE: Professor? Like a doctor? They sent you to take a look at me! Well,

there's nothing wrong with me! I didn't do anything to that little boy in that cave by the

sea!

MRS. COLE: Don't shout at him, Mr. Man! He's from a school that might just take you

off my hands, you evil little heathen!

DUMBLEDORE: Thank you, Mrs. Cole. I think I can take it from here. Now get outta

here! (Mrs. Cole exits)

TOM RIDDLE: Why don't you get outta here too? You're not gonna want me. She's

right, you know. I'm evil.

DUMBLEDORE: You're not evil, Tom. You're cute!

TOM RIDDLE: No. I am evil. Mrs. Cole told me that my mommy died when I

came out of her tummy. The first thing I ever did… was kill somebody.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, Tom, sometimes you accidentally kill your

family. It's nothing to beat yourself up about. You know who killed his sister while he

was in a fight with his boyfriend? This guy, right here. (Dumbledore points to himself)

TOM RIDDLE: You've killed people too?

DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. But it doesn't make me bad, and it doesn't make you bad.

There are just some things you don't know about yourself. All you need is a big strong

hand to put you on the right path. Tell me, Tom, do you ever feel like you're different

from all the other little boys?

TOM RIDDLE: Uh huh.

DUMBLEDORE: And sometimes can you make extra special things happen?

Silly fun things?

TOM RIDDLE: Well… when I get really happy, I can shoot sparkles from my hands!

DUMBLEDORE: Gasp! You know what that means?! Tom, that means… you're

a magic boy!

TOM RIDDLE: What?!

DUMBLEDORE: You know those sparkles that come from your hands? That's magic!

You're a wizard, Tom!

TOM RIDDLE: Oh boy! I knew I was special!

DUMBLEDORE: And you're gonna come with me, and I'm gonna take you to a

magical school for wizards with a silly name! Do you wanna know the

name? It's Hogwarts!

TOM RIDDLE: Hehe! That's funny!

DUMBLEDORE: And at Hogwarts the professors are giant people, and tiny

people, and werewolves, and cats! And we play games! And there's no

homework! And all we learn how to do is sing and dance!

TOM RIDDLE: Whoppie! Yahoo! Sparkles! (Tom jumps around happily and shoots

sparkles from his hands)

26

DUMBLEDORE: Oh Tom! Look at that sparkly magic! You're so happy! You

look as gay as the 4th of July!

TOM RIDDLE: Yey! I'm magic! I'm gay!

DUMBLEDORE: Me too! Tom, from this moment forward, you're turning over a new

leaf.

SONG- ALWAYS DANCE

DUMBLEDORE:

Now you are a boy,

an orphan boy,

and deep inside of you

a broken soul,

a gaping hole

has left you feeling blue.

But you're not like the other boys

you've got that magic flair.

Cause when you start to sway, you get carried away!

And no one can compare.

I've been watching you play, (TR: "you have?")

I've been listening to the things that you say (TR: "uh oh")

and I've come to tell you today,

You're no ordinary blighter.

You've got a broken heart, (TR: "sigh")

and you keep reaching inside to tear it apart,

But I'm here to give you a brand new start

And make your spirits brighter!

When all the other boys start to laugh and jeer,

I know a secret way you can make them disappear.

You've got the talent, kid, so here's your chance.

They might not understand, but just stick to the plan

and show 'em all its time to dance!

Always dance!

Always dance!

Though they'll try to stop you, always dance.

Shut your mouth and stop your yapping,

Take your foot and set it tapping!

You were born a magic boy, so leap and twirl and prance!

Oh, Tommy, always dance!

(After Dumbledore finishes his verse Tom grabs his bag, takes Dumbledore's hand, and prepares

to leave for Hogwarts. The kids of the orphanage gather and wave goodbye to Tom. One of the

27

children waving goodbye is an Anti-Christ demon creature with horns and goat legs; his name is

Damien.)

KIDS: Bye Tom! Bye! (Tom turns toward the group of children)

TOM RIDDLE: Dumbledore, can I say goodbye to Damian? He's that Anti-Christ kid

that I kinda know.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. (Tom runs over to Damien; the other orphans exit)

DAMIAN: So you finally got out, didn't you Tom?

TOM RIDDLE: Hey, Damian. You won't tell anybody about what we did in that cave

by the sea, will ya? We were just practicing, weren't we? For when we grow up and

have girlfriends or whatever? Right?

DAMIAN: But I thought… Nevermind… You're right, Tom. We were just messin'

around. (sheds a single tear) I have to go. The sun! It burns us! (Damien exits)

TOM RIDDLE: Damian's so cool. (Tom rejoins Dumbledore)

DUMBLEDORE: Well, ready to go to Hogwarts?

TOM RIDDLE:

I've been ready to go,

for how long I really don't know,

but one look at you and I know

that you would never fool me.

I've been living a lie.

Ever since I made my poor mommy die

I've been softly wondering why

they all choose to ridicule me.

(he gets sad during that last part, so Dumbledore chimes in to cheer him up)

DUMBLEDORE:

When all the other boys start to laugh and jeer,

DUMBLEDORE & TOM RIDDLE:

I know a secret way you (I) can make them disappear.

DUMBLEDORE:

You've got the talent, kid!

TOM RIDDLE:

This is my chance!

DUMBLEDORE & TOM RIDDLE:

They might not understand, but we'll stick to the plan

and show em all its time to dance!

Always dance!

Always dance!

Though they'll try to stop you, always dance.

Shut your mouth and stop your yapping,

28

Take your foot and set it tapping!

TOM RIDDLE:

I was born a magic boy, I'll leap and twirl and prance!

DUMBLEDORE:

Oh, Tommy, always dance!

TOM RIDDLE: (overlapping)

Dumby I'll always dance!

(By the end of Tom Riddle's verse he is at Hogwarts. The Sorting Hat is placed on Tom's head)

SORTY: Slytherin! (Dumbledore removes the hat. Tom starts to walk away. Dumbledore stops

him)

DUMBLEDORE: Wait Tom! You're sorting's not done yet. The Scarf of Sexual

Preference! (Dumbledore places Scarfy around Tom's shoulders)

SCARFY: Oh! Interesting. I could see you going a number of ways.

TOM RIDDLE: You're wrong! I don't care about anybody!

SCARFY: We'll see about that, hot stuff. I think one day you're gonna find someone real

special. Who am I to slap you with a label! Your future is a blank page, the rest is still

unwritten. Undecided! (Dumbledore removes Scarfy. Tom walks over to the Slytherin benches;

there he sees a young Lucius and Bellatrix. Lucius dances in place as Bellatrix watches in

astonishment. Lucius turns to Tom.)

LUCIOUS: Why, hello there!

TOM RIDDLE: Um… hi.

LUCIUS: My name is Lucius, but you can call me Louie! When I grow up, I'd like to be a

Rockette!

BELLATRIX: And I'm Trixie. I like Hogwarts cause there's lots of nice friends to make

and yummy food to eat!

TOM RIDDLE: Are you guys making fun of me?

BELLATRIX: No. Wanna be friends? (Bellatrix holds out her small baby hand for a

handshake)

TOM RIDDLE: Back off! (Tom pushes her to the ground. Bellatrix is turned on.)

BELLATRIX: Gasp! What a man!

LUCIUS: Oh, we'll see how much of a man you are! Care for a friendly dance-off?

(Lucius and Tom have a dance off; it is clear Tom is the better dancer; he thus gains dominance in

Slytherin House)

SLYTHERINS:

Look at his style!

Look at him go!

Watch his technique!

Check out his flow!

My, how he leaps!

Oh, what a prance!

Look at him look at him look at him dance!

29

ALL:

Always dance!

Always dance!

Though they'll try to stop you, always dance.

Shut your mouth and stop your yapping,

Take your foot and set it tapping! (bring it home tempo)

He was born a magic boy, so leap and twirl and prance! (one Slytherin leaps and says "and

leap!")

Always, always, always dance!

(The magical flashback fades away, except for Tom; and we are now . Ginny is now

alone.

TOM RIDDLE: You see Ginny! When life sucks, just dance. And life always sucks.. so

always dance! What do you say? Dance with me?

GINNY: Oh boy yeah.

(Tom and Ginny dance.)

TOM RIDDLE:

You've got the talent, kid, so you're my nominee.

You might not understand, but you will dance with me…

Always dance..

Always dance…

Though they'll try to stop us, always dance.

You were born for my control, so step into my trance…

Alwayssss Alwayssss Alwaysss dancccccccceeee…

(Lights down.)

SCENE 5- POTTER STINKS

Lights up on Professor McGonagall

MCGONNAGOL: Attention all Hogwarts students! With All-Hallows Eve right around

the corner, we've got a full line-up of spooky events to celebrate! There's Nearly

Headless Nick's Deathday Party coming up, and this afternoon there will be a public

execution of our beloved animal friend, Buckbeak! He'll be completely headless! Haha!

And for all you literary fans, Gilderoy Lockheart will be signing autographs outside the

Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom! See you there! (she exits; Lights up on Gilderoy

Lockheart's autograph line; several kids wait to meet Gilderoy, including Hermione, who stands

at the end of the line; Gilderoy finishes signing a headshot for Luna)

GILDEROY: There you are, Miss Lovegood. Thanks for stopping by! Okay, who's next?

Oh, why hello, Neville! My, my, it's nice to see a boy in my line for a change! (Gilderoy

30

signs a headshot for Neville)

NEVILLE: Thank you sir. Katniss Everdeen is my idol.

GILDEROY: Here you are. Next! (Neville exits, only Hermione is left)

HERMIONE: Hello. Gilderoy Lockheart.

GILDEROY: Why, hello there. It's forty dollars for a headshot, and thirty dollars for an

autograph.

HERMIONE: No, that's okay. If you could you just sign my copy of Breaking Dawn that

would be great.

GILDEROY: No. No. I only sign the 40-dollar headshots.

HERMIONE: Oh, so really an autograph is just seventy dollars.

GILDEROY: Well aren't you clever? You must be Hermione Granger.

HERMIONE: You know who I am?

GILDEROY: Oh yes. Professor Flitwick tells me you're an aspiring young writer. He

says your translations of Beetle the Bard's boring stories had him on the edge of his seat.

And that's saying something, because if that small man were to fall from a chair he

could die.

HERMIONE: Well, I don't know how good my writing is. I mean, that Beetle the Bard

translation was just something silly for fun. My real passion… is fan fiction; based off

your work!

GILDEROY: Oh really?

HERMIONE: In fact here's one fanfic I'm working on right now. (Hermione takes out a fan

fiction story and hands it to Gilderoy) In it, you're a capital person, and you're dating Effie

Trinket, but you fall in love with this sort of mousy under-spoken Avox… But um, the

Avox regains her ability to talk… and she has a great voice and is kinda um… the coolest

girl in the whole wide world. You can read it if you want; or you don't have to!

GILDEROY: A mouse-y girl, eh? Well, let's have a looksey. (begins reading) Mmhmm.

Mmhmm. Huh!? Ohhh….Oh my… Ewww! Oh my god! Hermione. This is absolutely

depraved…. I LOVE IT!

HERMIONE: Really?!

GILDEROY: Hell yes! This makes 50 Shades of Grey look like a f*cking book for kids!

With writing like this you could be going places. In fact, I have been looking for

someone to write my autobiography— I mean… my biography.

HERMIONE: What!? You mean me? You want me to write your story!?

GILDEROY: Perhaps. But I'll need to see more samples of your writing.

HERMIONE: I can bring you some more of my fan fiction if you want! I've got this one

where I'm Cato and you're those wolf mutations and you graphically eat me… amongst

other things.

GILDEROY: No. No. Fan fiction won't do. I need to see how you craft real life into

drama. What if you wrote me a few essays on someone you're close to… Someone at

Hogwarts… Oh, let's just say… Harry Potter?

HERMIONE: Harry? Didn't you say yourself that his life is mundane and repetitive?

GILDEROY: Well, if you don't think you could do it… I'll have to find someone else. It

sounds funny to say it now… I just thought you were special.

HERMIONE: I am special!

GILDEROY: No… You're not…

HERMIONE: Yes I am! I'll do it! I'll write about Harry!

GILDEROY: That a girl. Why don't you just write me an essay on each of Harry's years

at Hogwarts?

31

HERMIONE: Oh I will Mr Lockheart! I won't let you down! In fact, I'm gonna get

started right now! (she leaves; Gilderoy looks around then addresses a tiny hidden someone in

his left breast pocket)

GILDEROY: Haha. Yes Sprinkles, it's all going according to our plan. But we can't talk

here. Mrs. Norris could be anywhere. To my office; then you can safely reveal yourself.

Disapperate. (He exits. Draco enters with Goyle and The Candy Lady)

DRACO: If I'm going to win this Head-Boy election, I've got to have a strong campaign

platform. A message that all of Hogwarts can get behind! Something like, "End House

Elf slavery. Begin Muggle and Mudblood slavery." Something inspiring like that. Goyle,

Candy Lady, how are those campaign posters going? A candidate is only as good as his

placards. Goyle? (Goyle holds up a picture of an owl he drew. It's okay.)

GOYLE: I drew an old, majestic owl.

DRACO: Hm. Yes. It's a fine rendering. But it doesn't appear to say anything about

me… or the election. Perhaps if you added a word bubble coming out of the owl's beck

that said, "Vote for Malfoy. He's a hoot!"

GOYLE: (Goyle rubs his chin and considers this) Hm. I don't think the owl would say

that…

DRACO: Candy Lady, what have you got? (The Candy Lady holds up a sign that reads,

"Candy from the trolley?") MmHm. Yes, well I don't mind if I do. I'll take one chocolate

frog. Do have change for a 500 hundred-dollar Monopoly bill?

(Draco, Goyle, and The Candy Lady walk off. Harry and Ron enter in the middle of a

conversation. Ron holds a rolled up poster)

RON: And sometimes I feel like maybe Hermione isn't kissing me cause she doesn't

want to kiss me. Harry, do you think she likes someone else?

HARRY: I don't know. Maybe she likes Fluffy. They'd be a good couple, cause they're

both dogs! (Harry holds up his hand for a high five) Am I right!?

RON: (Ron half-heartily laughs and gives a reluctant high-five) Ha. ha. I'm just worried

cause she hasn't been hanging out around us lately. And she's always busy reading

those stupid books.

HARRY: Well, she better remember to do my potions essay cause it's due tomorrow.

(Harry finds a good looking spot of a back wall) This looks like a good spot. Got that

campaign poster?

RON: Right here.

HARRY: Alright, so the rules of the election are that you can only run positive

campaigns. That's why no one will be expecting this. (Harry unrolls the poster and hangs it

on the wall.)

RON: "Malfoy is a snobbish, racist, elitist brat". Take that Malfoy!

HARRY: Good work Mr. Campaign Manager. Now let's see who votes for Malfoy.

(Harry and Ron give each other a high-five. Harry spots Lavender and Pansy who enter giggling.

He approaches the girls)

HARRY: Hey girls! (Harry points to his poster) Pretty funny sign huh? (Harry notices they

are giggling about something else) Hey, what are guys laughing at?

PANSY: This. Hehe. (Pansy shows Harry a "Potter Stinks" button)

HARRY: Potter Stinks. Haha, yeah that's pretty… wait. No… That's not funny.

Lavender, where'd you get that button?

LAVENDAR: Someone's just passing them out to everyone in school.

HARRY: WHO!? (Harry grabs Lavender's arm) Tell me! (Lavender starts crying and runs off)

32

PANSY: Ugh. That was really mean Harry. You stink. And not just cause of your toots.

(Pansy exits)

HARRY: Ron…Do I smell like toots!? Well…. DO I?!

RON: No! No! (Ron embraces Harry)

HARRY: Well, then why is everyone saying I stink!? Who's responsible for this!? (Draco,

Goyle and the Candy Lady enter. Draco stands behind Harry and reads Harry's sign)

DRACO: Hm. "Malfoy is a snobbish, racist. elitist brat." Hm. Why that sums up my

entire campaign platform! Goyle, are you responsible for this beautiful placard!?

HARRY: Malfoy! You must be behind all this! (he advances on Draco)

DRACO: Not so fast Potter! (Draco runs behind Goyle and the Candy Lady) Goyle, Candy

Lady! (they protect him, Goyle pushes Harry back)

GOYLE: Back off nerd! We hate nerds.

CANDY LADY: And children who don't pay with exact change!

HARRY: Get rid of the buttons Malfoy, or I'll kick you off my street team. Then we'll see

who checks out your tumblr.

DRACO: Harry, I'd never make up a rumor about you. I treasure our friendship. Don't

you remember all those times we—- (as Draco speaks, the lights dim and his voice fades away;

in it's place, Harry can hear an eerie Mysterious Voice that echoes from somewhere in the

distance)

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: SSsssss…. Ssssnaaaake. I'm sssssnake. Where'd my arms go?

Jussst kidding I'm a ssnake.

HARRY: Whoa!? Did you guys hear that?

DRACO: Hear what?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I'm gonna get sssso many of you ssstupid humans now that I'm

free. None of you can even hear me… Oh, theressss one. Take thisss.

(Suddenly a voice can be heard screaming from offstage)

VOICE: AHHHHH!

DRACO: What the devil was that!?

HARRY: It came from down there! Come on! (Harry and Draco run off to investigate. Ron,

Goyle, and the Candy Lady follow. The gang eventually run into Colin Creevey, who stands

motionless in the center of the stage. Ginny stands there, her hands covered in blood, On the wall

behind her, is a message written in blood)

33

HARRY: Ginny? (Ginny snaps out of what appears to be a trance, looks down at herself,

shocked, and runs off; Harry approaches Colin) Hey Colin! Are you okay little buddy? (Colin

doesn't respond)

RON: (Ron points to the message) Wha-wha- what is that!?

DRACO: (Draco reads the message aloud) "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened.

Enemies of the heir beware." That's good. Now just add, "You'll be next Mudbloods.

Vote for Malfoy" (McGonagall and the rest of the Hogwarts kids enter, with the exception of

Hermione)

MCGONNAGOL: What's going on in here! (takes in the scene) Oh good heavens!

Children what happened!?

KIDS: (All the Hogwarts kids begin talking over each other) Rabble, rabble! Rabble!

MCGONNAGOL: One at a time please!

HARRY: Listen Proffessor, I'm not lying this time; this was all like this when I got here!

LUNA: Oh boy! Is Colin dead?!

MCGONNAGOL: No, he's still alive, but he appears to be petrified.

CHO: What do you think this means Professor?

MCGONNAGOL: Just what the note says, Miss Chang. The Chamber of Secrets has

been opened.

NEVILLE: Professor, what is the Ch-Ch-Chamber of Secrets?

MCGONNAGOL: A hidden dungeon somewhere inside Hogwarts; built by Salazar

Slytherin himself. The legend goes that one day, Slytherin's heir, would use parseltongue,

snake language, to open the Chamber and unleash… a monster.

KIDS: (impressed) OoooooOoooo! Cool!

MCGONNAGOL: No! Not cool! Everyone! Off to your dormitories! I'm taking Mr.

Creevey to the Infirmary. (everyone exits but Ron and Harry)

RON: Whoa Harry; the Chamber of Secrets monster. This can't be good.

HARRY: You're right Ron. This isn't good… it's great!

RON: Huh?

HARRY: Don't you get it Ron! All I have to do is save the school again! Then everyone

will forget about this "Potter stinks" crap! I'll just "wow" everybody with some classic

HP action! I'll win the Head Boy election and prove that Harry Potter is still the number

one wizard in the world!

RON: Awesome! Well, where do you think we should start Harry?

HARRY: (Harry looks confused) What? Did you want me to help? I figured you could just

get this one, Mr. Campaign Manager. Besides, I can't help right now, I got a date with

Cho Chang ya'll! Lalalala…(Harry walks off singing a jolly tune)

SCENE 6- WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY HOME

Lights up on the Girl's Bathroom; Ginny furiously tries to wash the blood from her hands in the

sink

GINNY: Ewww. How did all this blood get all over my hands anyway? (Luna enters)

LUNA: Hey Ginny! You washing blood off your hands too? (Luna's hands are also bloody;

she begins to half-heartedly rinse them)

GINNY: No!

34

LUNA: Oh. Well I'm just covered in gore; I had a front row seat to Buckbeak's execution!

Hey, did you hear about the Chamber of Secrets being opened? How exciting! Well, see

ya! (she exits)

GINNY: Huh. Huuuh. Chamber of Secrets? Message in blood? Hands covered in blood?

Can't remember past few hours? Wait a minute? I think I'm having a… Nope! Lost it.

Ginny, you think too much. Oops, diary time! (she takes Tom Riddle's Diary out and begins

to write in it once more)

GINNY: Dear Diary! It's me again! Ginny! (Tom's voice again emits from the diary)

TOM RIDDLE: Oh…you. Yep, this is your journal. Anything you'd like to journal about?

GINNY: Diary, I need some help. Something really weird is happening. Somebody

opened the Chamber of Secrets…

TOM RIDDLE: Hehe. Someone indeed.

GINNY: And I hope they catch however did it red handed. Do you know anything

about the Chamber of Secrets, diary?

TOM RIDDLE: Maybe…

GINNY: Can you tell me about it? Or show me, in another…

TOM & GINNY: Magic flashback… (Another Magical Flashback begins; Lights go down on

Ginny and come up on Dumbledore and MADAME POMFREY, who stand in a Hallway

looking down at a stretcher covered with a white cloth; on the stretcher, under the cloth, is a

YOUNG GIRL's body)

MADAME POMFREY: I'm sorry, Headmaster, we've done everything we could, but

she's gone. Dead as a muggle door-nail.

DUMBLEDORE: Ah nuts.

MADAME POMFREY: Do you think it's true what the children are saying? That this is

the work of the monster from the Chamber of Secrets?

DUMBLEDORE: Let's not jump to any conclusions, Madame Pomfrey. We keep a lot of

killer monsters in this school. This one might not have been from the Chamber of

Secrets… at least I hope not. (just then Tom Riddle enters, flanked by a gang of his cronies,

including Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix)

TOM RIDDLE: Uh… Professor Dumbledore? You wanted to see me?

35

DUMBLEDORE: What? Oh yeah. One second, Tom. (he turns to Madame Pomfrey, Tom

turns to his goons)

TOM RIDDLE: Alright, slaves. See you later? At the club meeting?

LUCIUS: Sure thing, Tom.

TOM RIDDLE: How many times do I have to tell you, Malloy, call me…

LUCIUS: My Dark King, right right.

TOM RIDDLE: Thank you. It's not so hard. I remember your name. Now scram! (Lucius

and the others exit)

DUMBLEDORE: Well, Pom-Pom, I guess you can just take this poor girl down to the

kitchen and feed her to the house elves. (Madame Pomfry begins to wheel the dead girl out of

the room) Actually, wait. Lemme just try this thing one last time. (from his robes,

Dumbledore removes a small, magical-looking stone; he waves it over the girl's body, but nothing

happens) Come on! Work! Worst Deathly Hallow ever. Never mind. (Madame Pomfrey

takes the dead body away)

TOM RIDDLE: What's that?

DUMBLEDORE: Oh this? (Dumbledore holds up the magic rock) It's just the Resurrection

Stone; supposed to bring people back from the dead, but I can't get it to work. I tried to

revive what's-her-face with it, but all I did was eternally trap her soul in the bathroom.

Oops!

TOM RIDDLE: Magic rock? That brings people back from the dead? I like… (Tom

reaches for the Resurrection Stone but Dumbledore quickly retracts it and puts it in his pocket)

DUMBLEDORE: Whoa! Whoa! Hands off you little scamp! This is going back in my

office where it belongs. Oh, speaking of little miss dead-pants. You wouldn't happen to

have anything to with her death would you, Tom?

TOM RIDDLE: I don't tink so. Mhuhahaha!

DUMBLEDORE: Cause I heard from Slughorn that you we're asking about the

Chamber of Secrets. Not to mention there's been a student death every couple days since

you enrolled at Hogwarts five years ago.

TOM RIDDLE: Yeah, but most of those deaths are from Quidditch. And when you

make kids fight dragons.

DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, but not all of 'em, Tom. And your names been tossed around as

to whose responsible. You've got a bad reputation. People say you're angry all the time.

And I have to agree.

TOM RIDDLE: Angry! I'm not angry! CRUCIO! (Tom wildly shoots a spell; NEVILLE

LONGBOTTOM'S FATHER just so happens to be walking through the halls, and is hit by the

torture curse. He drops to the ground in unspeakable agony)

NEVILLE'S DAD: AHH!

DUMBLEDORE: Hey! Hey! Hey! (Dumbledore turns to Neville's dad) Watch where you're

going Schlong-bottom! Real wizards are trying to shoot spells over here! (turns back to

Tom) Tom. A lot of people are saying I should kick you out of school.

TOM RIDDLE: How dare they try to expel the Lord of Darkness.

DUMBLEDORE: And that might have something to do with it. All this Dark magic

stuff. That little club of yours that follows you around, what's it called?

TOM RIDDLE: The He-man Woman Haters. But we're thinking of changing the name.

DUMBLEDORE: You're creeping people out, Tom. Now, I know you got a lot of fifthyear

angst going on, but we just gotta get to the root of what makes you so unhappy.

TOM RIDDLE: Uhhhh. I don't like this.

DUMBLEDORE: You ever talk about your feelings?

36

TOM RIDDLE: Only to my journal! But that's top secret!

DUMBLEDORE: Just pretend I'm your journal for a second. What fills you with so

much hate?

TOM RIDDLE: Well… I guess I hate all the regular stuff; muggles, mudbloods, the

Ghostbusters. But then there's some weird stuff too, like… Snickers.

DUMBLEDORE: You mean, when people laugh at you?

TOM RIDDLE: No. I like to make people laugh! What I hate is Snickers.

You know, the bar.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh… the candy bar?

TOM RIDDLE: Yeah.

DUMBLEDORE: The chocolate treat?

TOM RIDDLE: Yes… Snickers.

DUMBLEDORE: What, you don't like chocolate?

TOM RIDDLE: Of course I like chocolate.

DUMBLEDORE: Do you not like nuts?

TOM RIDDLE: I love nuts!

DUMBLEDORE: Then what don't you like?

TOM RIDDLE: SNICKERS! CRUCIO! (Tom shoots Neville's dad with another torture

curse; it had taken this long for Neville's dad's to finally get to his feet after being hit with the

previous curse. Neville's dad again drops to the ground.)

NEVILLE'S DAD: AHH!

DUMBLEDORE: (to Neville's dad) Are you still here, poindexter?! Imperio, beat it.

(Dumbledore shoots Neville's dad with a curse and makes him exit the stage) Listen Tom, I

think I know exactly what you're going through.

TOM RIDDLE: No! Not exactly!

DUMBLEDORE: You feel anxious. Confused. You have funny thoughts about your guy

friends that upset you, so you take it out on the rest of the world. My family never really

excepted me; so I—

37

TOM RIDDLE: At least you had a family! AHH! (Tom immediately weeps uncontrollably.

He collapses to the ground.)

DUMBLEDORE: There, there Tom. There, there. (Dumbledore puts a hand on Tom's

shoulder) How were you ever supposed to learn how to love, when you never had

anyone there to teach you? Well I got good news for you, Tom. I'm suspending you.

TOM RIDDLE: That's not good news.

DUMBLEDORE: I'm suspending you so you can take a vacation to Little Hangleton.

You're gonna spend this Christmas with a very special family there…The Riddles.

TOM RIDDLE: What?

DUMBLEDORE: I found your dad, Tom. His name's Tom too. Tom Riddle Senior.

TOM RIDDLE: Tom Riddle Senior? That makes me a junior. Little Tommy junior!

DUMBLEDORE: He lives with your grandmother and your grandfather.

TOM RIDDLE: What kind of wizards are they?! I always imagined my dad was

something incredible! Like a Fiend-Fire Fighter! Or a magic astronaut! Or a ballerina!

DUMBLEDORE: Tom, it doesn't matter what kind of wizards they are. If you want

them to accept you, you've got to accept them.

TOM RIDDLE: You're right. I'll accept whatever kind of wizards they are; just so long

as they are wizards.

DUMBLEDORE: So pack your bags, cause you're leaving right away!

TOM RIDDLE: But… I can't leave now. I've got a meeting with my club of slaves.

We're gonna vote on a new name!

DUMBLEDORE: Forget the club! Now's your chance to find a new path. Maybe you're

not supposed to live your life consumed by darkness.

TOM RIDDLE: But that's all I know.

DUMBLEDORE: Well it's time to go out there and learn something new. Something

you can't learn in a classroom. Tom, it's time to go home.

TOM RIDDLE: You're right…Uhhh…You're right!

DUMBLEDORE: Good luck boy. I love you.

TOM RIDDLE: Thanks Dumbledore! (Tom grabs a suitcase, and heads off; Lucius and

Bellatrix appear and call after him)

LUCIUS: Tom! My king! You can't leave! You're gonna miss the meeting!

BELLATRIX: Where are you going!?

TOM RIDDLE: I'm going home!

(Tom runs and dances as Clark Baxtresser sings a beautiful song about going home. Tom Riddle

finds himself outside of a cozy looking house; the sign on the door reads "Welcome to the Home of

the Riddles!"; Tom sighs; on the front lawn a small boy, BILLY, plays and frolics, Tom

approaches him)

TOM RIDDLE: Hey kid! Is this the Riddle house?

BILLY: It sure is mister! Welcome to the neighborhood!

TOM RIDDLE: Thanks kid. (Tom walks up to the front door) Here goes nothing. (he rings

the bell and a kind-looking old woman, MARY RIDDLE, answers the door)

MARY: Hello?

TOM RIDDLE: Hi. Are you Mary Riddle?

MARY: Yes. Gasp! Oh my… Heavens to Betsy. Tommy? Tommy junior? Is that you?

TOM RIDDLE: It sure is.

38

MARY: Oh junior. You look just like your father. Now you come here and give your

granny some sugar. (they hug and kiss)

TOM RIDDLE: Oh grandma!

MARY: Welcome home junior. Now you go straight into the kitchen and you help

yourself to some cookies. But be careful not to burn yourself, cause they're fresh from

the oven.

TOM RIDDLE: Alright!

MARY: And I'll get you a glass of milk to go with, one second. (she turns to the young boy

in the front lawn) Billy! How many times do I have to tell you? Stay the hell off my lawn!

(She turns back to Tom) That boy is a homo. Come on in.

TOM RIDDLE: Uhhh… (Tom heads into the Riddle House as the lights go down on him and

come up on Ginny. Dean is talking to her and she is no longer in the girl's bathroom)

DEAN: Hey Ginny! (Ginny comes out of a trance-like state)

GINNY: Huh!? Huuuuuh? (she looks around) This is scary. How'd I end up in the

Common Room? I was just in the bathroom.

DEAN: I don't know. Say, I was wondering, since you aren't dating Harry

anymore…what're you doing next Saturday night? Me and Seamus would love to take

you on a date.

GINNY: (turns away from Dean and talks to herself) Ohhh. I see. This isn't scary that I keep

blacking out and winding up in weird places! It's romantic. It's my diary's way of telling

me to open my heart to new love; just like Tom did. (turns to Dean) Sure I'll go on a date

with you guys! I'm down for whatever. But I won't snog Seamus, okay?

DEAN: I can live with that. We'll pick you up at eight. (Dean exits)

GINNY: Yeah, it's time to move on. Seamus and Dean are twice the man Harry is! My

new, better boyfriend! Thank you diary! You're my best durr—- (Ginny enters a trance.

Tom Riddle's voice can be heard)

TOM RIDDLE: Do my bidding. Quickly, to the Chamber… (Ginny exits. Lights down)

SCENE 7- THE DEATH DAY PARTY

(Lights up on Nearly Headless Nick. He stands in the middle of a party, his Deathday Party. Ron

sits in the corner of the room on a bench. Nick makes a speech to his guests)

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Welcome! Welcome one and all! This Hallows Eve is my

Five Hundred and Sixth Deathday! It's going to be a night to remember! So help

yourself to drinks! Enjoy the music! And rock on Hogwarts! (Nick finishes his speech and

approaches Ron) Why hello there Mr. Weasley!

39

RON: (sounding very melancholy) Hey Nick. Happy… deathday.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: You look troubled, young Weasley. What ales you?

RON: Well, Hermione really wanted to come to your Deathday party cause she thought

it would be intellectually stimulating. So I told her we could make a date out of it… but,

she didn't show up.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Well, why not try talking to some of the other girls, Ron?

Just don't put the moves on The Grey Lady okay!? I'm trying to build up the nerve to

buy her a drink.

RON: You should go for it, Nick.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: You're right! I'm gonna go over there and—- …no. I

couldn't. Maybe next year. I'll be okay as long as she doesn't make out with that bastard

the Headless Horseman! (Harry enters and holds the door for Cho and Lavender, who enter

behind him)

CHO: Well, thank you Harry Potter! Bless your heart!

HARRY: No problem.

LAVENDER: (Lavender points to the benches where Ron sits) Hey Cho. I'll be waiting over

here for you all night. And you look really pretty by the way.

CHO: Oh Lavender! Bless your heart! But you don't have to lie to make me feel better. I

look awful! Just awful!

LAVENDER: No Cho! You're the prettiest girl ever!

HARRY: (Harry looks impatient and bored. It seems he hasn't been having fun with Cho)

Wanna sit down?

CHO: Sure. Bye Lavender. (Harry and Cho sit down at a table as Lavender sits on a bench

next to Ron) Thanks for taking me out on this date Harry. Though, I must not be that fun

to be around. I must be really boring. (Cho looks at Harry and pouts)

HARRY: You're fine.

CHO: No. You're just saying that. You know, when I dated Cedric Diggory, he would

always find really nice things to say about me. But he was probably just lyin'. I'm boring

and ugly. (Cho pouts again)

HARRY: You're fine.

CHO: (Cho is getting a bit frustrated. She's fishing for compliments) Ugh. Well, I'm gonna go

powder my nose. My whole face is probably all shiny and gross looking. Ain't it?

HARRY: You're fine.

CHO: (Cho is now visibly irritated) Well, I'll be back in a minute. (Cho exits. Ron approaches

Harry)

RON: Hey there good buddy. How you doing?

HARRY: Ron, Cho Chang sucks! All she does is fish for compliments, it's the most

annoying thing a girl can do! You know, when me and Ginny dated we'd stay up all

night talking about my fame, and my fortune, and how busy I always am. Why can't

Cho just do that?

RON: I don't know. Maybe when you where dating Ginny you kinda took her for

granted.

HARRY: (Harry thinks for a moment) No. I would never do that. (Dean enters and holds

open the door)

DEAN: Ladies first. (Seamus enters with Ginny)

SEAMUS: Right this way Miss Weasley.

GINNY: Thank you boys. (Ginny takes each boy by the arm. Harry notices)

40

HARRY: What! Is that Ginny… on a date with Seamus and Dean!? I'll take care of this.

(Cho enters and grabs Harry before he can walk over to Ginny, Seamus and Dean)

CHO: Oh Harry! I'm back! Nose powdered! But… it still probably looks bad, huh?

HARRY: You're fine! Let's just go get a drink. (Harry and Cho go off to get a drink. Ron

returns to his bench. Ginny, Seamus and Dean take a seat at a table)

GINNY: Thanks for inviting me to the Deathday party guys. I'm having a really fun…

Durh! (Suddenly Ginny's eyes cross and she enters a trance-like state; The Diary floats up out of

her purse and hovers around her head; Tom Riddle appears in the doorway)

TOM RIDDLE: Come to me, slave. Now is the time.

GINNY: I have to go to the bathroom now. (Ginny and Tom Riddle exit)

DEAN: That's cool. We'll be here. (Seamus turns to Dean)

SEAMUS: Alright Dean. So here's how it's gonna work. We is gonna wine and dine this

honey! We is gonna get her hot, and mad bothered! We is gonna make her fall in love

with us! And then… you'll snog her!

DEAN: Sounds like a plan to me. (Harry overhears this and abandons Cho)

HARRY: Hey! Stop trying to snog my girlfriend!

DEAN: Say what!? She ain't your girlfriend no more HP.

SEAMUS: Yeah! So bugger off Potter!

HARRY: You stay outta this Seamus! Dean, don't play me like this! I would never do

this to you! Remember all those time we—- (Harry starts talking about all the great memories

he and Dean share. Lights down on that scene. Lights come up on Ron and Lavender, who are

sitting on the bench in the corner)

LAVENDAR: Hey…Ron…

RON: Hey there. Lavender Brown.

LAVENDAR: So…(Lavender begins talking but is talking in a very quiet mumble)

RON: What? (Ron gets closer to hear her better)

LAVENDAR: (very quiet mumble)

RON: What did you say!? (Ron gets even closer to Lavender)

LAVENDAR: (very quiet mumble)

RON: I can't hear you! What!? (Ron is now about an inch away from Lavender. Lavender

quickly gives him a tiny kiss on the cheek)

41

RON: Oh no! (Ron stands up) I just cheated on my girlfriend. I did it. I'm nothing but a

no-good, low-down, rotten… fat, ugly, cheating scumbag. I better go tell Hermione. (Ron

starts to leave but Lavender grabs his hand)

LAVENDAR: No. You stay here. We're dating now.

RON: No Lavender, I think we need to talk about our relationship.

LAVENDAR: (hurt) Why?

RON: I don't know if it's working out. (Lights down on Ron and Lavender as they talk about

their relationship. Nearly Headless Nick enters. He looks around to see everyone arguing)

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Hm. This night doesn't seem to be working out for

anyone. But I won't let that get me down! I'm finally gonna ask the Grey Lady for a

drink! (Nearly Headless Nick goes over to an archway and pulls back a curtain to reveal the Grey

Lady making out with a jack-lo-lantern on top of the Headless Horseman's body) What!? I knew

it! Horseman you bastard! You know I like the Grey Lady! What do you have to say for

yourself!? (The Headless Horseman tries to explain himself with body language)

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Nothing! You coward! This was my one special night!

Way to ruin it Grey Lady! (Lights down on that argument. Lights up on the argument between

Harry and Dean. Harry is finishing his piece)

HARRY: -and I saved the school and the world!

DEAN: You know what HP? You did us a solid when you saved the school all those

times…but Ginny is not your property!

HARRY: But that's not fair!

CHO: Well. I can see that I'm just getting in your way, aren't I Harry Potter. I was stupid

to think someone as ugly as me could ever have a fun date. (Cho pouts)

SEAMUS: Bullocks! (Seamus takes her hand) Your face shines brighter than Dumbledore's

patronus it does!

HARRY: Cho, stop fishing for compliments! Okay!? Nobody cares! We're trying to talk!

So just shut up! (Cho is taken aback)

DEAN: (Dean stands up) You better back off HP. Now I see why Ginny dumped your

ass.

HARRY: No! I dumped her! You know what?! We've got beef Dean! We've got beef!

SEAMUS: Oy! You can't have beef with Dean! He's my mate! Now we got beef Potter!

CHO: And we've got beef too! I don't care who you are! Nobody talks to me like that!

Take this! (Cho slaps Harry. Harry falls backwards. As he does he steps over to Ron and

Lavender's argument)

LAVENDAR: So we're on a break now!?

RON: You're always like this!

LAVENDAR: Oh! Well, then let's just call it quits Ron Weasley! Take this! (Lavender tries

to slap Ron but he ducks. Lavender's slap goes over Ron and hits Harry in the face)

HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked backwards in the other direction. Harry wobbles his way

toward Nearly Headless Nick and The Headless Horseman's argument)

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Unless you answer my questions you'll have to face me in

a duel sir! (Headless Horseman can't answer) That's it! Take this! (Nick attempts to slap The

Headless Horseman's Jack-o-Lantern head, but the Grey Lady quickly removes it. Nick's slap goes

over the Horseman and hits Harry in the face)

HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked in another direction. Draco is crossing the stage. Draco takes

out a roller skate and sets it down in the center of the stage)

DRACO: This looks like a fine spot for my roller skate. (Harry steps on the roller skate and

slides in another direction)

42

HARRY: WOAH! (Neville enters with a large birthday cake)

NEVILLE: Happy Death Day! Hope you like banana cream! (Harry runs into Neville and

the cake smacks him in the face. Harry wobbles backwards)

HARRY: Ahh! (Draco walks to another part of the stage)

DRACO: And this looks like a fine spot for my marbles. (Draco puts some marbles on the

ground. Harry stumbles into the marbles and looses his balance)

HARRY: Whoa! (McGonagall enters with a large ice sculpture)

MCGONNAGOL: I've finally finished the ice sculpture! (Harry smashes through the ice

sculpture and finally falls to the ground; flat on his ass)

HARRY: Ahh! (Everyone in the room turns to Harry)

EVERYONE: Harry! (Gilderoy quickly peaks out of the door)

GILDEROY: Great job Potter! You ruined the Death Day Party!

EVERYONE: (angrily) Thanks Harry!

HARRY: But I…

CHO: Come on ya'll! Let's get outta here! (everyone but Harry and Ron exit. Ron approaches

Harry and tries to put a hand on his shoulder)

RON: Are you okay pal? (Harry pulls away)

HARRY: Don't touch me. (Hermione enters)

HERMIONE: Hey guys.

RON: Ah! Hermione!

HERMIONE: Sorry I'm late. I've been so busy with this extra-credit thing I'm doing for

Gilderoy Lockheart.

HARRY: Well if it isn't Hermione Stranger. Or should I say, Hermione the Traitor. You

didn't do my Potions Essay! And because of that I had to do it! So it never got done! And

I failed! Your plan to ruin my life is working out perfectly!

HERMIONE: I'm sorry…

HARRY: Yeah you're sorry! Sorry excuse for a friend!

HERMIONE: Harry! You need to calm down! You're acting way too angsty for your

own good! This is just like how you acted in our fifth year when—- (Hermione's voice is

drowned out as the lights change and we hear the echoing Mysterious Voice yet again)

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Ssssnake. I'm a sssnake. I'm huge. A huge snake. I'm a ton

bigger than you'd expect. You could make like a 1000 ssshoes out of me, or a million

little purses. Or two really big boots or sssomething. Sssnake… (The mysterious voice

quiets)

HARRY: Wait! Hermione! Quiet down for a sec! Do you guys here that!?

HERMIONE: What?

43

HARRY: It's that voice again. (We hear the mysterious voice again)

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Oh Shit! I think that kid hearssss me, I better get back to the

Chamber of Secrets!

HARRY: The Chamber of Secrets!? Come on guys! We gotta follow that voice! (Harry

runs off)

RON: I didn't hear anything!

HERMIONE: What voice Harry?! (Ron and Hermione follow Harry. Harry, Ron, and

Hermione come across Ginny and a petrified Nearly Headless Nick)

HERMIONE: Harry look! Nearly Headless Nick! He's petrified!

HARRY: Ginny what's going on!?

GINNY: Huh? (Ginny snaps out of a trance)

HARRY: What happened!?

GINNY: I don't know!

HARRY: What do you mean you don't know?! You were standing right there! Some

help you are. Why don't you go snog Dean or something!?

GINNY: Fine! Maybe I will! (Ginny exits)

HARRY: Whatever.

HERMIONE: Harry, what are looking for?

HARRY: I heard a voice back there. The same voice I heard before Colin Creevey was

petrified. I think it was the Chamber of Secrets monster. Just look some kinda clue or

something! (Turns to Ron) Find anything Ron!? (Harry approaches Ron)

RON: No. Nothing. Just of an endless parade of spiders leaving the castle.

HARRY: Good reddens. Damn spiders. Wait! Maybe one of those spiders saw what

happened here! Dammit! If only I had the power to talk to spiders instead of this useless

ability to talk to snakes that I never use! Come on! Let's follow them!

RON: I don't know Harry. I'm afraid of spi-spi-spi—bugs. And it looks like they're

headed for the Forbidden Forest.

HARRY: They could lead us to the monster! I have to save the school or I might as well

die! (The kids exit)

SCENE 9- ARAGOG

(Harry, Ron and Hermione, follow the spider-trail into a bleak den or nest; spider-webs hang

everywhere and our heroes struggle to rip through them)

HARRY: I think they went this way. KEEP UP!

RON: I'm frightened Harry!

HARRY: Quiet Hermione! This is it! The Chamber of Secrets monster! I can feel it!

Usually it takes me all year to solve a mystery. I get stuck on tangent adventures,

following all these red herrings. But not this year! I'm on fire! 'The boy who was on fire',

that's what they'll call me! Hey, did you guys hear that?

(The kids huddle together. They can see something moving in the shadows. A spidery noise

grows as a large figure closes in on our heroes)

ARAGOG: Well, well, well. Three little PYT's have found their way to my humble

abode. You must be the ones chasing my children through forest.

HARRY: No way, whoever you are! We were chasing some disgusting spiders. Not

little kids!

HERMIONE: Wait, we were chasing your children…Does that mean that you're a…

44

ARAGOG: GIANT SPIDER! (ARAGOG jumps out from behind the spider webs and is a

huge spider. It rises up on it's back legs and has dripping, hideous fangs.)

RON: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

ARAGOG: The names Aragog! Welcome to my crib.

HARRY: Yes! I do have the magical ability to talk to spiders! I'm back!

ARAGOG: No! I'm just a spider that has the magical ability to talk to humans!

HARRY: Ah rats…

RON: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

ARAGOG: Wait wait wait! Where are y'all off to so fast? Make yourselves comfy!

Grab a web and stick around.

SONG-GET IN MY MOUTH

ARAGOG:

Hey

Please

Don't run away from me, oh no

Baby

I cannot breathe

Without you inside of me

When I look at you I think of one thing

I feel embarrassed cuz I know it's obscene

I want you

I need you

I'll teach you what it's like to party with me

I'm getting hungry baby it's time to feed!

Get in my mouth

Get into my mouth

Get in my mouth

I know you want to baby

Get into my mouth

Don't even try to escape me

Hey

Hey

It's gonna be ok, oh no

Stay

Don't run away

You cannot hide from me it's useless anyway

You cannot hide from me it's useless anyway, ok!?

I need to tell you something please don't go!

ARAGOG & BACK UPS:

Get in my mouth

Get into my mouth

Get in my mouth

I know you want to baby

Get into my mouth

45

Don't even try to escape me

BACK UPS:

Ah ah ah etc…

ARAGOG:

You know I got this feeling it goes wherever I go

I'll never let you go, you're mine

You know I gotta taste ya cuz you look so fine

Can't get ya outta my mind

So won't you get into my mouth

ARAGOG & BACK UPS:

(sarcastically, mocking)

Oh no, it's a big bad spider I'm so scared!

He's gonna eat me and I'm gonna be so tasty oh no!

My life is over oh my god this spider is so cool!

ARAGOG:

I want you

I need you

I'll teach you what it's like to party with me

Baby it's time to feed

ARAGOG & BACK UPS:

Get in my mouth

Get into my mouth

Get in my mouth

I know you want to baby

Get into my mouth

Don't even try to escape me

BACK UPS:

Ah ah ah etc…

HARRY: You can't fool us, man! I don't care how funky your mouth is! We know

you're the monster from the Chamber of Secrets. You petrified Collin Creevy and

Nearly Headless Nick. THEY WERE MY BEST FRIENDS!

ARAGOG: Chamber of Secrets Monster? Look around you boy! We in a chamber right

now? I'm looking straight in your eyes. You getting' petrified? I'm no Chamber of

Secrets monster!

HARRY: Ah man! Well, if you're not the monster and you're not gonna help us find the

monster, then you're just another useless and amazing creature. I was going to kill you,

but now I'm just bored. What's wrong with me!? Have I lost my edge?

ARAGOG: You sure have! And now I'm gonna eat ya! You ain't got no one to save you!

You ain't got a friend in the world! (ARAGOG lunges. Just then a giant, lumbering figure

bursts through the tangle of webs.)

HAGRID: They still got one friend left, you bastard!

46

KIDS: Hagrid! (it's HAGIRD)

HAGRID: Kids!

ARAGOG: Oh, Hagrid. Not you again! Me and my millions of children never get to eat!

We're starving!

HAGRID: Now you know that's not true! I just don't let you eat any innocent creatures

that don't deserve it. I'll bring you some more puppies in the morning. (to the kids) Well,

if it isn't Harry, Ron and Hermione. Aren't you a sight for sore eyes! Come on! Let's get

you outta this spider's nest and into someplace that may be a wee bit grosser. (Hagrid

leads the kids out of Aragog's Nest and into a small shack on the edge of the Hogwarts grounds)

Come on in! Come in to Hagrid's Hut! Sorry it's a bit of a mess. Haven't cleaned up or

showered since you were last here, but it's not just me you know! I've added another

roommate to the mix. You all remember Fawkes the Phoenix! (The glorious red and gold

bird sits on a perch in the corner, surrounded by his own droppings)

RON: Didn't Dumbledore leave him to you when he died?

HAGRID: That's right, Ron. Fawkes is a great roommate. Sleeps in the fireplace.

Keeps to himself, unlike like this sleepy dragon over here. (Hagrid points to the dragon

from the first play, who sleeps in a corner of the hut) WAKE UP YOU BASTARD! He's fine.

(notices Harry is in a bad mood) Wait a minute. Harry? Where's that glowing smile of

yours? You're actin' like something's wrong…

HARRY: Something is wrong Hagrid.

HAGRID: Oh… that's not right. You come over here and climb up on Hagrid's knee.

Best seat in the house. (Harry does so) Here's a warning, I'm gonna bounce ya. (Hagrid

bounces Harry on his knee) There you go, that feels nice, don't it? If you need to spit up

just do it right into Hagrid's beard; that's what I always do. Now tell me what's wrong.

HARRY: Oh it's nothing Hagrid. My life just sucks, that's all. It's like people don't even

care that I'm Harry Potter. Neville doesn't even stutter around me anymore. He's

47

acting less like he's got a Schlong-bottom, and more like he's got a Schlonkey-dick. I've

saved the world like a million times! How could everyone forget about that?

HAGRID: Harry. Don't you f*cking talk like that! You might be wee, but you got a

greatness in you. Whether you're flying around on that broom of yours, or singing a

song or two, or reminding us all that maybe… we're not alone. Why, for some people

you're the light at the end of a dark, lonely, shameful tunnel. You're a hero Harry; as

timeless and unforgettable as… the VR Troopers.

RON: Who?

HAGRID: You know, the VR Troopers. You've never heard of this? They're three little

kid superheroes who have sort of mechanical suits.

HARRY: You mean Beetle Borgs?

HAGRID: (incredulous) BEETLE BORGS!? BEETLE BORGS ARE SHIT! No! The VR

Troopers were cool! They had this amazing power to travel through telephone lines… or

power lines, or something… I can't really remember actually. My point is you're like

them! Cherished for all time.

HARRY: But Hagrid, all my life I've only been known as the savior of Hogwarts. So

what does it mean when I'm not at Hogwarts anymore? I'm scared.

HAGRID: Harry, I was once in the same situation as you. A senior. Starring down the

inevitable end of school and childhood. I didn't want to let it go.

HARRY: So what did you do?

HAGRID: I didn't let it go! I never left!

HARRY: You never left Hogwarts?

HAGRID: Nope! Oh they wanted me to leave; but I refused to attend graduation! I'm

technically still a student! Plus people leave you alone once you start threatening to hurt

yourself. But when you love something so much and you feel it slippin' through your

fingers JUST HOLD ON TIGHTER! (Hagrid squeezes Harry)

HARRY: You're hurting me Hagrid!

HAGRID: Oh, I'm sorry Harry. My advice is to you is to never change. It's fun living at

Hogwarts! Sure all your friends will leave, get jobs, and start families of their own.

Eventually their kids will grow up, and then they'll come to Hogwarts too! And it'll be

sad…. So sad to see them. You'll probably just sit down in your hut most days,

watching NetFlix or Hulu Plus, waiting for those three rosy-cheeked little angels to

come down and visit. Ask for dance lessons or advice. Then they'll grow up too. They

won't come around as much anymore, and you'll wonder why you keep going. Soon,

you're only company is a dragon that's been asleep for 5 years, and a Phoenix, which

only reminds you how short life is. But we don't get second chances like that Phoenix,

do we kids? No, once we've burned, we're toast. …. WELL pep talks over! Thanks

for coming down here to cheer me up.

RON: Thanks Hagrid! This has been fun!

HERMIONE: We better get back to the dorms.

HAGRID: You don't have to leave yet…

RON: Hahaha! Bye Hagrid!

HAGRID: If you leave I might hurt myself!

HERMIONE: You're so funny Hagrid! Bye! (The kids exit the hut)

RON: Hagrid always has the best advice. Well Harry, we didn't catch the Chamber of

Secrets monster, but do you at least feel better?

HARRY: Hardly…

48

SCENE 10- THE RIDDLE HOUSE

Lights up on Ginny in the Gryffindor Girls' Dorm. She throws herself onto her bed, pulls the

diary from under her pillow.

GINNY: Oh Diary. That date was a total bust; I don't even remember most of it. Seamus

must have slipped something in my drink; that creep! And then I saw Harry again. And

he yelled at me! Oh diary. Do things ever turn out the way you want them to? Show me

another life lesson, in another magic flashback… (Lights up on Tom Riddle, who sits in a

bedroom of the Riddle House; from downstairs Marry Riddle calls to him)

MARY: Oh Junior! Are you all washed up for Christmas dinner? Your father should be

here any minute now.

TOM RIDDLE: Yeah, I am grandma! (he plops down on his bed, pulls the diary from beneath

his pillow and starts writing) Dear Diary… JOURNAL! I feel great! I haven't maimed or

tortured anything since I came to Little Hangleton. And that's kind of a big deal for me.

Just been spending time with my grandma and grandpa. And tonight, may be the most

important night of my life. I'm gonna meet my father. And I know that he's gonna love

me. It's strange not hating everything I see. I feel something else in my chest. Something

new. I'm not sure what. But I think it might be something really special. Wish me luck!

(Tom puts his diary away and heads downstairs, where he finds his grandfather, THOMS

RIDDLE, who is extremely old, crotchety and uses a wheelchair)

THOMS: Hey boy!

TOM RIDDLE: Hi Grandpa.

THOMS: Come here! Pull my finger.

TOM RIDDLE: Why?

THOMS: Just pull it!

TOM RIDDLE: Okay! (Tom pulls his finger)

THOMS: AH! NOOOOOOOOO! You made me poop my pants! (Mary enters)

MARY: Junior, did you pull his finger!?

49

TOM RIDDLE: He told me to!

MARY: Well you can't always listen to Thoms, junior! He thinks he's still in the war.

You made this mess, now you gotta clean it up. I'm very disappointed in you junior!

Very disappointed! (she exits)

THOMS: Unbutton my pants! I don't know how!

TOM RIDDLE: Alright Grandpa, let's get those britches off. (Tom takes off his grandpa's

pants) We'll get you cleaned up in no time. (Tom takes out some powder, wipes and oldpeople

diapers; he begins to change Thoms)

THOMS: Quit looking at my wiener!

TOM RIDDLE: I have to. There's poop on it. (Tom begins to wipe Thoms' bum)

THOMS: OH! NO! You're wiping! You're wiping!

TOM RIDDLE: I know! I'm trying to get you all set!

THOMS: No! Don't wipe you fool! You gotta DAB! DAB! MARY! HELP ME! (Mary

enters again, this time with a phone to her ear)

MARY RIDDLE: God bless America! Junior, you didn't wipe on his anus did you!?

TOM RIDDLE: Yeah! Cause nobody told me dab!

MARY RIDDLE: He has an irritated anus junior! You could've killed him, you monster!

Now I'm on the phone with my sister! (starts talking into the phone) No Mabel, I don't like

this boy at all… (Mary heads back into the kitchen, Thoms pulls on his pants and TOM

RIDDLE SENIOR enters)

TOM SENIOR: I'm home! Mom I'm home! My day sucked and I… (noticing Tom Riddle)

Who are you?

TOM RIDDLE: Hi.

TOM SENIOR: Mom! Who's this guy?

TOM RIDDLE: Don't you know me? I'm your little Tommy boy. Dad, I'm your son.

TOM SENIOR: Nooo. Nooo. Noo.

TOM RIDDLE: What's wrong dad? Are you ashamed for leaving me in that awful

orphanage? It's okay. It's water under the bridge, or over the dam, or wherever you like

it. (Mary enters with dinner)

TOM SENIOR: Mom, are you gonna make me talk to this guy?

MARY: Oh, stop your bellyaching Tom. You knew one day that relationship of yours

would come back to bite you in the bum. Now let's all sit down for a cordial Christmas

dinner.

TOM SENIOR: God! This is the last thing I need! (they at sit down at the dinner table, Tom

Riddle stares lovingly at his father)

TOM RIDDLE: So Dad?

TOM SENIOR: What?

TOM RIDDLE I have so many questions. So many things I've always wanted to ask

you. Where do I start? What was mom like?

TOM SENIOR: Oh… she was fat.

TOM RIDDLE: Oh. Okay. So I had a fat mom. A nice cuddly fat mom!

TOM SENIOR: Yeah. And she was gross. She had no nose; like you. On you it looks like

a snake. On her it looked like a pig. You know Ninja Turtles? Remember Shredder's guy;

Bebop? The warthog? That's what she looked like. Only Bebop was fit! She was fat!

TOM RIDDLE: But she was beautiful on the inside. And that's why you loved her.

Right dad?

50

TOM SENIOR: No! I didn't even like her! She just got me drunk one night while I was

high! And then next thing I knew she pooped you out! God! (he pulls on a pair of

headphones and hunches over, putting his face down on the table)

TOM RIDDLE: Dad! You must have felt—(he reaches to touch Tom Senior's back, but Mary

stops him)

MARY: Don't touch him! He doesn't like being touched when he has his headphones

on! And that's enough about your mother junior. I never liked that Miss Piggy character,

because she was on the drugs and she made him (she motions to Tom Senior) do the drugs

to. What about you? Do you have a girlfriend, Junior?

TOM RIDDLE: Well… I don't really have time for girls right now.

THOMS: Why not? What's wrong with you, boy!?

MARY: Leave him be, Thoms. He's probably just too busy with sports; big strapping,

young man like that. What sports do you play junior?

TOM RIDDLE: I don't really play sports.

MARY: No sports. No girls. Well, what the heck do you do all day!?

TOM RIDDLE: Well.. Uh…Actually, I kinda do a sport! I…dance!

MARY: What?

TOM RIDDLE: I dance. You know. Tap. Jazz. Ballet. I'm also really good at dark magic.

MARY: Do you go to church on Sunday junior?

TOM RIDDLE: Uhh… No. I went to magic church once.

MARY: MmHm. MmHm. Could you pass me the gravy, Thoms?

THOMS: This gravy looks like my poop!

MARY: That is not polite dinner conversation junior!

TOM RIDDLE: Me!? He was talking about poop! I was talking about magic! (Tom Senior

rips off his headphones)

TOM SENIOR: God! Quit it with the magic! You're just like your stupid mom! She was

always walking around saying Dumbadoor! Hogwarts! Quitch! Quitch! And I was like,

"Quidditch"? QUIT IT!

TOM RIDDLE: Why didn't you wanna talk about magic with mom?

TOM SENIOR: Cause it's not real.

TOM RIDDLE: Huh?

TOM SENIOR: Your stupid mom just thought it was. Cause she was on drugs. It was

all up here (points to his head). It's like, show me Hogwarts on a map of the United States

of America. It's not there.

TOM RIDDLE: Of course you can't see Hogwarts on a map! It's invisible! It's hidden by

a magic bubble!

MARY: Goddammit, junior. What kind of drugs are you on!?

TOM RIDDLE: I'm not on drugs!

TOM SENIOR: Yes! You are! You're on drugs!

TOM RIDDLE: You're on drugs!

TOM SENIOR: SO WHAT!?

THOMS: I pooped again!

MARY: Look at us all fighting like this! Look what you did! You ruined Christmas

junior! Let's just open the presents and get this whole disaster over with! (she gets up to

go fetch Tom Riddle his Christmas gift)

TOM RIDDLE: Hold on everybody. This might be a really off the wall thing to say, but

…you guys are sounding like filthy disgusting muggles right now.

51

TOM SENIOR: Oh yeah, muggles. That's what your mom called us while she was

tripping balls.

TOM RIDDLE: You're… muggles? Muuugggllleesss?

TOM SENIOR: That's what she said. God she was annoying. The only good thing about

you being born was that you killed your mom and she stopped calling me! It's like, what

do I have to do to make you never talk to me again!? Tell you where a total mistake. A

totally unwanted little murderer! After you were born I put in a trashcan! But my stupid

mom took you out of the trashcan and sent you that orphanage!

MARY: So sue me. I didn't know he'd turn out like… (she makes a limp-wrist motion) you

know.

TOM RIDDLE: Muggles? They're muggles… MUGGLES! NO! (Tom claws at his skin)

GET IT OUT OF ME! NO! No… Tom. Calm down. Remember what Dumbledore said—

Dumbledore… he must have known they were muggles! He tricked me! He'll die for—-

Wait no! NO! Maybe he didn't know?! This is your family Tom! Just accept them…and

maybe they'll accept… you. No… argh… no…

TOM SENIOR: Oh my god, are you crying? Quit it!

MARY: Of course he's crying. He's not a real man. (she places a package on the table in front

of Tom) Here you go Junior. It's not much, but it's what you deserve. I hope you like it.

(Tom opens the package and looks inside; after a long moment he slowly removes the gift from

within… a Snickers Bar)

TOM RIDDLE: ….Snickers? Snickers! SNICKERS!?

TOM SENIOR: Quit it!

THOMS: I pooped!

MARY: Well do you like it or not you ungrateful little—(Tom takes out his wand from

inside his jacket and points it at his family)

TOM RIDDLE: AVADA KEDAVRA! (Lights snap back up on Ginny, who throws the diary

to the ground in shock)

GINNY: GASP! (after a frightened moment, Ginny runs out of the room, leaving the diary

behind)

52

SCENE 11 – THE WIZARD DUEL

Lights up on the Great Hall; McGonagall takes center as kids file in around her.

MCGONAGALL: Attention all Hogwarts students. The last day of the term has arrived

and it's time to cast your votes for the Head-Boy Election! Please report to the Great Hall

immediately, as the Results Ceremony will begin as soon as the finals votes have been

tallied! How exciting! (Harry and Ron enter.)

HARRY: Alright Ron, today's the day. I think we should be fine, right? I mean, I can

beat Malfoy! Can't I?

RON: Oh, you're gonna beat his pants off. (Neville and Luna enter)

HARRY: Neville! Luna! My loyal DA. Did you guys voted for me?

LUNA: Well, not exactly. But good luck! (they sit; Seamus and Dean enter with their arms

around Ginny)

HARRY: Hey guys. Look, I know we all haven't been getting along lately, but can I

count on your vote?

SEAMUS: Don't hold your breath, Potter!

DEAN: Come on Ginny. (Ginny looks at Harry for a moment, but then heads to her seat with

Seamus and Dean; Hermione enters)

HARRY: Hermione, there you are! You're the best! At least you voted for me, right?!

HERMIONE: Well… (McGonagall takes the stage, not as enthusiastic as before)

MCGONAGALL: Alright children. Silence! Silence! I just received the voting results and

I can see that some of you didn't take this election very seriously. In second place,

receiving a total of two votes… Mr. Draco Malfoy.

DRACO: Two votes? That's more than I was expecting. Aren't I as proud as a peacock?

HARRY: HA! HA! HA! (he starts parading around the stage) Take that Malfoy! Two votes?!

Who looks stupid now?! (he sits)

MCGONAGALL: And tying for second place, also with two votes, is Harry Potter.

HARRY: What?! WHAT?! I voted for me!

DRACO: As did I.

HARRY: Ron?! Who did you vote for?

RON: (fighting back laughter) Just wait for it Harry!

MCGONAGALL: And winning the election in a landslide, with 867 votes… Fozzy Bear.

KIDS: YEEEEEEEY!

MCGONAGALL: I hope you children are all proud of yourselves.

KIDS: YEAH!

MCGONAGALL: I hope you think this is funny.

KIDS: HAHAHAHA!

MCGONAGALL: You children had a chance to have your voices heard, but instead you

wasted your vote on that silly bear!

KIDS: YEAH!

MCGONAGALL: Silence! Now obviously, Fozzie Bear can't very well be our newest

Headboy!

KIDS: BOOOOO!

MCGONAGALL: Silence! Because Fozzie is a fictional, puppet who fancies himself a

comedian! And even if he weren't fictional… he's a bear! I'm sorry children, but all votes

for Fozzie Bear will have to be thrown out!

KIDS: BOOOO!

53

MCGONAGALL: Silence! Now, I'm not sure who's behind this prank; but because of

your outstanding immaturity, the election has ended in a disastrous draw!

KIDS: YEEEEEEEY!

GILDEROY: Tisk tisk tisk. For shame on you all. I myself took this business very

seriously. Why, I voted for Draco Malfoy. (puts his arms around Draco) And so did my

brother, Lidaroy Gockheart. There's only one way to break this tie, Headmaster. As

Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I suggest… a Wizard Duel.

KIDS: Gasp.

GILDEROY: Yes, a wizard duel. With our darling little Draco in one corner, and that

tootatstic stinker Potter in the other. The winner will be Head-Boy, and the loser will be

just that… a big, fat loser.

MCGONAGALL: A Wizard Duel? Is seems fair, but putting the children in unnecessary

danger for sport? Dear, what would Dumbledore do?

HARRY: It's okay, Professor. I'm not afraid of Malfoy.

MCGONAGALL: Oh, alright. Children, clear these benches, back as far away as you

can, and put on your 3D glasses! Things are about to get messy, in fabulous 3D! (all the

kids prepare for the Wizard Duel; Draco takes Goyle aside)

DRACO: Goyle, I've been thinking, what does this election really mean to me? Is it

worth endangering my relationship with one of my oldest friends, Harry Potter? What

say you, campaign manager?

GOYLE: Hm… No.

DRACO: And you, Candy Lady?

CANDY LADY: Candy from the trolley, dear?

DRACO: I thought you might say something like that. It's settled then. I'm going to

march over to Professor McGonagall right now and conceit my candidacy.

(Draco heads towards McGonagall, but is stopped by Harry)

HARRY: Malfoy.

DRACO: Harry, I have great news. I've come to a decision…

HARRY: And so have I. You better get ready, cause I am gonna kick your butt so hard

you're gonna burp out farts.

DRACO: Harry, I know this green-eyed election-monster has the best of us, but

remember… we're friends.

HARRY: No we're not Malfoy! Don't you get it?! I never was, and I never will be your

friend. I hate you.

DRACO: (wipes away a single tear) Hm… I see… So it is to be war between us?

HARRY: Bingo.

(Harry and Malfoy take opposite sides of the dueling arena; Gilderoy stands between them)

GILDEROY: Alright boys, I want to see a good clean duel. And Draco, don't shy away

from those Unforgivables if you're in a pinch. (Gilderoy raises his hand and the room falls

silent with anticipation) Ok. On the count of 4. (he counts off) Uh one, two, three, four…

(and the Wizard Duel song begins)

SONG- THE SCHOOL IS MINE

DRACO:

Harry Potter,

lover of only himself,

Do you recall the memories we've shared?

54

You never once was nice.

You never cared at all.

Now you will!

I'll have you running scared.

HARRY:

Draco Malfoy

You know nothing of my life

All I am is what I do.

I can not let you win

You snobbish evil brat!

Surrender now

before I come for you.

DRACO: HARRY:

You know nothing of Malfoy! I am warning you Malfoy

I have more inside of me I'm a hotter man by far

You will all bow down to me, I was born to rid the world of

your reign is at an end poopy butts like yours

You are not the man you think. I am still the hero here.

You are nothing but a fool. Your butt is mine to wipe!

I see you now, Give it to me!

You never were my friend . Get down on all fours!

HARRY & DRACO:

At last the lines are drawn into the sand.

At last I know exactly where I stand.

You may think that I'm on the decline,

but tonight this school is mine.

Yes, tonight this school is mine!

Yes, tonight this school is mine!

DRACO:

You've had luck in duels before but now we know-

You are just a shadow of a tale from years ago.

If you're doubting all you've ever known, then take it as a sign

that tonight this school is mine.

Yes, tonight this school is mine!

Yes, tonight this school is mine!

Everte Statum!

(Harry flies backwards and lands in a heap)

DRACO: As your legacy dies, Malfoy will rise!

HARRY: Expelliarmus!

(Malfoys wand goes flying out of his hand, Harry runs up and grabs Draco by his shirt and lifts

him up in the air)

55

HARRY:

You think you're close to beating me, but you never will

the more you try to climb the more you're slipping down the hill.

Look into my eyes and know - this is the bottom line:

Tonight this school is mine.

Yes, tonight this school is mine!

Yes, tonight this school is mine!

HARRY: Punchify! (A big hand comes out of Harry's wand and punches Draco in the face.

Draco falls to the ground and is bleeding from the nose. Harry stands over him with his wand.)

DRACO: Well, Potter, finish it why don't you?

HARRY: I already have. This duel is mine. (he drops his wand to the ground and turns to

leave)

DRACO: I don't think so. Serpentsortia! (he shoots a snake from his wand, it plops to the

floor. Dean sees the snake and recoils in horror.)

DEAN: Motherf*cker, shit, motherf*cker!

RON: Harry! Look out! Your wiener!

HARRY: Woah! (Harry guards his dick; the snake turns toward Seamus and stares at him with

hungry, glossy eyes)

SEAMUS: That snake is eyeing the snake (points to his wiener)! Am I right!? Maybe it's

trying to make friends. (Seamus holds his crotch and makes a voice for his wiener) Back off

love! I'm spoken for!

SNAKE: (in a whispery, hissy voice) Gimme that dick. Gimme that dick. Gimme that dick.

HARRY: Seamus! Hey Snake! (the music swells and Harry jumps forward and begins to sing)

(singing)

Hey, listen snake, I know your life is kinda rough

If I was in your shoes, or scales, i wouldn't be so tough.

But I can see the girl inside, oh babe you really shine.

(spoken) There you go snake. That's a good girl. Serpensenzia!

(The Snake dies)

Cause tonight this school

Yes, tonight this school

Yes, tonight this school is mine!

(spoken) I beat the snake! Did you guys just see that? I tamed that vicious serpent with

my voice.

SEAMUS: You just talked to a snake, is what you did.

HARRY: Yeah, I was singing to it. Telling it to leave you alone. I saved Seamus!

DEAN: All we heard was a bunch of hissing.

PANSY: He's a parcel-tongue!

CHO: Just like Salazar Slytherin.

NEVILLE: Oh d-d-dear!

GILDEROY: Oh my. What if Harry Potter is the Heir of Slytherin?

56

EVERYONE: Gasp!

RON: That's ridiculous!

HERMIONE: That would mean Harry was the one opening the Chamber of Secrets…

GILDEROY: It would make sense. Wouldn't it? What Potter? Were you so desperate for

attention? You just need to be the main character of everyone's life, don't you? But no

mystery to solve this year; so you decided to make one. Open the Chamber, petrify

students all year, then save the day at the last minute and everyone will cheer like your

some kind of a hero?!

HARRY: That's not what's happening! You guys believe me, right? Dean? Luna? (the

kids of Hogwarts are silent)

GILDEROY: Take a look around boy. Get it through that thick skull of yours! Nobody

likes Harry Potter anymore! Whatever spell you had over the world has faded. We've

moved on. So why haven't you?

HARRY: I'm outta here. (Harry runs off)

GINNY: Harry, wait! (she runs out after him)

GILDEROY: Well, I guess by exiting the dueling arena Potter has forfeit. That means the

winner and newest Hogwarts Head Boy is none other than Draco Malfoy.

DRACO: Thank you Professor. In honor of my fellow candidate, Fozzy Bear, I've

prepared a joke. Why does Tigger smell? Because he plays with Harry Potter.

KIDS: Hahaha!

DRACO: Yes, rejoice, people of Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy shall rule over this school with

peace and love for a thousand years. But first, there must come a time of swift

retribution. Fore I will bring down such a vengeance on those who have teased me in the

past. Welcome to my nightmare, slaves. The age of Harry Potter is over. The reign of

Malfoy has begun! Hahahaha!

GILDEROY: Muahahahahahahahaha!

SCENE 12- I WAS HARRY POTTER

(Harry runs out of the Great Hall into the Hallways of Hogwarts; poor Ginny follows closely

behind)

GINNY: Harry! Harry, wait!

HARRY: What do you want?

GINNY: To talk; about that diary you gave me. Tom Riddle's Diary. I think I need your

help.

HARRY: Like you helped me in the Great Hall?! You didn't even try to stick up for me!

You just sat there with Seamus and Dean! Tell them about your diary! I'm done helping

people. Never again.

GINNY: Harry, you may not be popular anymore, but people still need you. You're

Harry Potter!

HARRY: No I'm not. Not anymore. Everything that made me who I am is gone. I was

Harry Potter. (Ginny exits. Harry Begins to sing)

SONG- WHEN I WAS…

HARRY:

There was a time when life had meaning

57

Not so long ago

I knew the lines, it was easy being

The star of the show

There was a time when things were fine

I could make wine from water

There was a time when I was happy

When I was Harry Potter

(Lights dim on Harry. Lights up on Ginny. She looks to her side to find Tom Riddle's Diary, at

first she is afraid, but she soon picks it up)

GINNY: Tom, I think I understand you now. You can't put your faith in anyone. The

world is a lonely, terrible place. I think I'm ready to know what happened to you… after

you killed your father.

(Lights up on Tom Riddle)

TOM RIDDLE:

There was a time when I was hopeful

When I was good inside

Everyone said that I was evil

Maybe they were right

I changed my name, I went insane

I never felt so little

I was a fool -to think they could love me

When I was Thomas Riddle

(Light come up on Harry. Tom and Harry now stand in two pools of light on opposite sides of the

stage. They sing together.)

HARRY & TOM RIDDLE:

I've fallen

From up high

The world has said goodbye

I'm not an angel

Not the answer

I'm just going nowhere faster

HARRY:

There was a time I was a hero

But that hero's gone

Looking back, I can hardly see him

Everyone's moved on

HARRY & TOM RIDDLE:

Cast me aside

Throw me away

Go on, forget

Yesterday

And I'll try to forget it too

58

(As Tom and Harry sing this verse they both remove their house ties)

(But) I wish it was

Just like it was before

(Lights down on Tom Riddle. Harry grabs a broom. Ron and Hermione enter and approach him)

RON: Harry. Where are you going?

HARRY: Away from here.

HERMIONE: Don't say that Harry. Let's go back to the Great Hall; we'll try to explain

things.

HARRY: I'm not going back to the Great Hall, Hermione. I'm never going back.

RON: What?

HARRY: I'm leaving Hogwarts. Forever. You saw what happened back there. Nobody

wants me here. And I don't blame 'em. Who would care about a loser like me?

RON: Losers like us, that's who!

HERMIONE: Harry. Hogwarts is your home.

HARRY: I don't have a home. Goodbye. (Harry hands Ron his Gryffindor tie. Harry walks

away from Ron and Hermione as he continues singing.)

HARRY:

I've fallen

From up high

The world has said goodbye

I'm not an angel

Not the answer

How did life become a disaster?

I'm just going nowhere faster

There was a time when things were fine

I could make wine from water

There was a time when I was happy

When I was Haaaarry Potter

(Harry exits. Lights up on Ginny. She is reading from the diary. We hear Tom Riddle's voice.)

TOM RIDDLE: And so I left Hogwarts, never to return. For years I wandered,

mastering the dark arts; becoming something all would come to fear. And now, tonight,

I call on the wizards and witches who entered my service long ago. Which of my

servants will answer the call? (Death-Eaters, Harry's entire rogues gallery marches onto the

stage)

TOM RIDDLE: Now we will see, now we will know, who will be brave enough to

return, and who will be foolish enough to stay away. Tonight, I begin my war on this

world. Tom Riddle is no more. I am LORD VOLDEMORT! (Tom re-enters, now

transformed into VOLDEMORT. Voldemort turns toward Ginny, the Death Eaters fade away.)

GINNY: No! It can't be! You're dead!

VOLDEMORT: No, not dead. Nor am I alive… yet.

59

GINNY: I have to stop you! Just go away! Please!

VOLDEMORT: You don't have a choice anymore, Ginny. I've grown too strong to

resist. Now, slave, to The Chamber of Secrets! (Ginny enters a trance-like state and begins

hissing; behind Voldemort, a large door clanks and opens) Come my Basilisk! For too long

you've fed on mere vermin, you'll have finer prey than that soon. Lord Voldemort shall

provide. (from within the Chamber of Secrets, a gigantic snake, THE BASILISK, emerges)

Voldemort does an evil reprise. The Basilisk coils around the stage, as the song comes to an evil

climax, lights down

End of Act One

ACT 2

SCENE 1 – PETRIFIED

A dark stage; suddenly the silence is shattered by a blood curdling scream

HANNAH: AHHHHHHHHHH! (Lights up on HANNAH ABBOTT; who stands

motionless in the Halls of Hogwarts, a look of terror frozen on her face; hearing the commotion,

McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey rush onto the stage)

MCGONAGALL: Heavens to Betsy, what's all the hubbub… (she finds Hannah) Oh. Oh

my. Not another one.

MADAM POMFREY: Oh dear me, it's Hannah Abbott. Poor thing. Petrified. Just like

the others. How many is that now?

MCGONAGALL: Three hundred and forty one. I'll have to send word to the Ministry.

The fate of the school will be in their hands now. Well, take Miss Abbott to the

infirmary. Spit spot. (Madam Pomfrey takes Hannah away as McGonagall places her wand to

her throat) Attention all Hogwarts students! There has been yet another petrification,

now putting us over the 340 limit of allowed student casualties in a single school year.

As a result, new safety regulations will be implemented effective immediately. Students

shall, henceforth, report directly from class to their dormitories. All lollygagging

privileges will be suspended until further notice. Beware, children. Hogwarts is no

longer safe. Unless the Chamber of Secrets is found, and the monster there is destroyed,

the Ministry may close the school… forever. Wizard God help us all. (she exits; lights up

on Seamus, Dean, Neville, Cho, Lavender and Luna in the Great Hall)

LUNA: Close Hogwarts?

LAVENDER: Forever?

NEVILLE: Oh d-d-d-d-dear.

SEAMUS: You know, I heard this all wouldn't be a problem if the school's entire supply

of Mandrakes didn't get destroyed when somebody mucked up the Herbology Room.

DEAN: Yeah, and it's too bad those were the last Mandrakes in the whole world.

Mandrake juice is the only thing that can cure being petrified.

LUNA: Or if somebody kills the Chamber of Secrets monster! That would break the

petrification spell!

CHO: Yeah, but who's gonna do that, Looney? (Ron and Hermione enter)

60

SEAMUS: You know whose fault this all is? Harry Potter's. I heard it was him that

wrecked the greenhouse. The school just blamed it on some Latina chick, cause they's

racists…

DEAN: True that.

SEAMUS: But it was actually Harry that did it, and probably on purpose so as no one

else could save the school. Bloody darby, couldn't handle not being the hero. Well,

where are you now, Harry Potter? Where are you now?

RON: Shame on you!

KIDS: Huh? (the kids turn to Ron)

RON: I said shame on you, Seamus! Shame on all of you! Look at yourselves. Just sitting

around! Complaining. Spreading gossip! Harry didn't destroy the Herbology Room! It

was like that when he got there!

HERMIONE: Actually Ron, that's the lie we told McGonagall, remember? Harry did

destroy the Herbology Room.

RON: So now you believe Seamus?! You guys wanna know why Harry always saves the

school?! Cause he doesn't wait for someone else to do it. Remember our fourth year,

when Igor Karkaroff was bewitching those exchange students. Made them compete in

the Tri-wizard tournament, not to be confused with the House Cup tournament. Who

was it that unmasked Karkaroff as a Death Eater and sent him to Azkaban?

KIDS: Harry.

RON: What did you do that year, Cho?

CHO: Fooled around with Victor Krum…

LAVENDAR: Me too.

SEAMUS: Yeah, me too. Shooting marbles. Tag. Ordering all them pizzas to Filch's

office. We did some right fooling around that year.

RON: Or how about our fifth year? When Umbridge became the Minister of Magic and

appointed those incestuous Carrow twins as the Dark Arts teachers. Luna, what did you

do when the Carrows told you to shoot Neville with the cruciatis curse?

LUNA: Asked if I could try the killing curse.

61

RON: Who was the only one of us that refused to raise his wand against a fellow

student?

KIDS: Harry.

RON: And when the Carrows tried to torture the location of the DA's headquarters out

of Cho, who tricked them into walking through Devil's Snare where they were torn

asunder?!

KIDS: Harry.

RON: Then united the giants against Umbridge's evil ministry!? Who was it!?

KIDS: Harry!

RON: That's right… Harry. And how do we repay him? Tell him he stinks. Drive him

away. Well, the school's in bigger trouble than ever this time. And I hope you're all

proud of yourselves, cause now the only person standing between you and whatever's

in that Chamber of Secrets, is your new Head Boy… Malfoy. (Goyle enters, followed by

Draco being rolled into the room atop the Candy Trolley by the Candy Lady; he sits on it as if it

were a throne)

DRACO: Well, well, well, if it isn't the ignorant mob that handed me supreme power.

They all look so tiny from up here. Don't they, Goyle?

GOYLE: Yes.

DRACO: (to the kids) The Head Boy Draco Malfoy will now hear your questions,

concerns, praise, worship…

KIDS: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

DRACO: Order! None of that sounded like worship!

DEAN: What's your plan to save the school Malfoy? For dealing with this Chamber of

Secrets mystery?!

DRACO: Plan? What do you mean plan? I have a four-step plan already in place. Do

nothing. Watch mudbloods get petrified. Laugh. Repeat. And I promise, my

administration will do all we can to aid this Heir of Slytherin hero! Draco Malfoy will

bring change you can believe in!

KIDS: BOOO!

DRACO: Damn. (to himself) I need to fire my speechwriter.

SEAMUS: You're the Head Boy! Do something to save the school! Lead us!

DRACO: Okay. Well… I can do that. I can lead you straight to folly or disaster. Which

would you prefer?

SEAMUS: Folly!

LUNA: Disaster!

DEAN: Which is worse?

DRACO: Oh, they're both very bad.

KIDS: BOOO!

DRACO: Silence! Silence you worms! I wish you had one neck, I'd hack it through! I

don't claim to be as deft a politician as that Fozzy Bear. But I think we can all agree that I

fill the office of Head Boy better that Harry Potter ever could!

RON: That's not true Malfoy! Your rule is a pathetic sham!

DRACO: Silence yourself, Weasley! Don't you know I have the power to make anyone

in this school do just what I please!? Why don't you stop wasting my time and go cry

about it to your two girlfriends?

RON: Gasp!

HERMIONE: Ron, girlfriends?

RON: What are you talking about Draco? I've uh…. only got one girlfriend.

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DRACO: Oh yeah? Then what about that little slut right there? (he points to Lavender

Brown, she blushes)

HERMIONE: Lavender Brown?

DRACO: Oh, haven't you heard. Didn't he fess up? Or is Weasley a liar as well as a fat,

ugly, cheating scumbag.

RON: Hermione. It's true. Lavender Brown and I… choreographed an affair behind

your back… I'm so sorry. I tried to tell you so many times… well, I tried to tell you once.

Then I lied so you wouldn't break up with me. Could you PLEASE not break up with

me!?

HERMIONE: I've been so busy all year. Writing those Harry Potter essays for Gilderoy

Lockheart, doing work for my future. Our future!… and you go off and do this.

RON: Our future? Where you're just bored with me and we never kiss?! And you won't

put down those crappy young adult novels?! I hate Gilderoy Lockheart!

HERMIONE: Ron, don't you remember how the Scarf of Sexual Preference sorted me

when I came to Hogwarts? "Waiting till marriage". I thought you understood that! I'm

sorry that I wanted our next kiss to be our wedding! I don't think I better be around you

anymore.

RON: But—

HERMIONE: Just go. (Ron sulks away; after a moment, Draco saunters over to Hermione and

puts his arm around her)

DRACO: Tut tut; what a shame. Believe me, Miss Granger, I know how much it hurts to

be betrayed by someone you love. When I found Paddington Bear's big floppy hat in

mine and Dora's crib, it tore me apart. I just want you to know that if you ever need

someone to talk to, or just have comforting sex with, you can always come to me.

(Hermione pushes him away)

HERMIONE: In your dreams Malfoy!

DRACO: Filthy Mudblood! (he crawls back atop the Candy Trolley) You could have joined

me up here, Granger, if only you had the courage. Goyle! Knock those books from her

hands! (Goyle knocks Hermione's books from her hands) Excellent work. The future is littered

with prizes for those who bend to my will. Here you are, Goyle. (he takes a candy bar from

the trolley and hands it to Goyle) There's plenty more where this came from.

GOYLE: Snickers?

DRACO: Candy Lady, to Potion's class! Show me the meaning of haste. (Draco, Goyle

and the Candy Lady exit; most of the Hogwarts kids head off to class, except Cho Chang, who

approaches Hermione)

CHO: Hey Herman.

HERMIONE: Hey Cho.

CHO: Looks to me like you need some Head Girl advice. You know what I would do if I

was you?

HERMIONE: What?

CHO: I would find someone that Ronald Weasley cannot stand and I would re-cheat

that no good scrub for the win. Just think about it. (she exits)

HERMIONE: Re-cheat Ron? Hmm. But who does Ron hate more than anyone? Besides

Malfoy of course. (McGonagall rushes into the room)

MCGONAGALL: Miss Hermione Granger! There you are. Professor Gilderoy Lockheart

requests you presence in his office immediately! (she exits; Hermione gets an idea and

rushes off)

63

SCENE 2- GILDEROY'S OFFICE

Lights up on Hermione, who stands outside Gilderoy Lockheart's Office.

HERMIONE: Well…here we go. This'll show Ron. (Hermione enters the office. Gilderoy is

working at his desk) Hello Mr. Lockheart. It's me… Hermione Granger. (Gilderoy looks up

and notices her)

GILDEROY: Took you long enough. Get in here!

HERMIONE: Whatever you say Professor! (Hermione rushes over to Gilderoy)

GILDEROY: I wanted to talk about these essays of yours. (Gilderoy holds up Hermione's

Harry Potter essays)

HERMIONE: You've read my Harry Potter essays already?

GILDEROY: Yes. I think you have quite a gift. Your witty prose delivers a sophisticated

humor packed with plenty of ghoulish giggles. That being said… THIS IS AWFUL!

AWFUL WORK! (Gilderoy throws the essays on the floor)

HERMIONE: But I thought you liked it. I thought it made you ghoulishly giggle!

GILDEROY: Giggle? Yes! But chortle?! Hardly! Why, I can't even remember a single

guffaw escaping my lips whilst reading this GARBAGE! THIS TRASH!

HERMIONE: Yes! This is just like one of my fan fics! (Hermione turns away from Gilderoy

and begins talking to herself) This is your chance Hermione Granger. Ron will feel so

stupid after this. (Hermione turns back to Gilderoy)

HERMIONE: Oh yes! Scold me Professor! Teach me a lesson I won't ever forget!

GILDEROY: Oh, intend to do just that. I'm going to teach you a thing or two… about

dramatic flow! In your Harry Potter essays everything exciting happens in Harry's first

and second years, but the rest of it is extremely boring. So I've taken the liberty of

tweaking your essays a bit!

HERMIONE: Feel free to tweak anything you want Professor! I want you to!

GILDEROY: Good! Cause I've tweaked plenty! I had to rearrange everything! I changed

Voldemort, of course. He's arguably Harry's main villain, but in your story he's defeated

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in year two. That's moronic! I made sure he was in it throughout, and only gets beat at

the end climax!

HERMIONE: I'm sure it's better. You must be great at making things climax.

GILDEROY: Well I did the best I could, but this one still stinks. Harry just bounces the

killing curse back at Voldemort again! It's lame; but hopefully I've killed off enough side

characters to make some people cry.

HERMIONE: You can make cry. My eyes already getting wet. And that's not all…

GILDEROY: You're right that's not all! I'll tell you what else is boring about your

essays! All these human characters! Why aren't any of these characters dogs!? Your story

has no dog appeal!

HERMIONE: Wait…what?

GILDEROY: Do you have any idea how many people in the world are dogs!? Why do

think Twilight sold like hot cakes? Cause I had the wolf market cornered!

HERMIONE: Um. Okay. Sorry. I guess I just don't know how to write for dogs. Maybe

you could teach me about doggy-style, Professor.

GILDEROY: No! I can't! If you don't know how to write for dogs by now you'll never

learn! I've already made the changes for you. I took one of the less interesting characters,

Sirius Black, and turned him into a dog. You see, you have to give the pooches out there

a character they can relate to; throw them a bone, so to speak.

HERMIONE: I wouldn't mind a bone!

GILDEROY: Quiet you! I also made Professor McGonagall a kitty. A fancy cat! And that

Peter Pettigrew, he's a kindred spirit; I turned him into… a mouse.

HERMIONE: Well if you've done everything already, why'd you call me in here? Didn't

you want me? Don't you WANT ME?

GILDEROY: I do WANT YOU… to sign this release form. (Gilderoy hands Hermione a

release form and a quill) Handing over all creative rights of these Harry Potter essays to

me.

HERMIONE: Fine. (Hermione signs the form) Can we stop talking about Harry Potter

now? (Hermione hands the form to Gilderoy; he takes it)

GILDEROY: (looking at the release form) Yeeeeessss.

HERMIONE: Good. Let's get to know each other better. You already know me; I'm just

an innocent young girl…who's never done anything crazy. But you're such a mystery.

What are your hopes? What are your dreams? What are your deepest fantasies?

GILDEROY: My fantasies? Oh, you wouldn't understand my fantasies.

HERMIONE: Try me? Tell me Mister Lockheart; if you could do anything, right here,

right now; anything at all; who would it be?

GILDEROY: If I could do anything?

HERMIONE: Yeah. (Hermione unbuttons the top button of her shirt)

GILDEROY: If I could do anything, I think I would… shrink myself to the size of a

mouse. I'd leave the world of men behind me forever, and I would start a new life…

amongst the mice. And I would bring technology, and art, to those uncultured swine!

Build tiny tools for their mouse hands; made from toothpicks, and marshmallows! And I

would be their king. Neigh, their prince! Gilderoy the mouse prince! Ruling from my

grand castle, inches high! Carved from the finest cheeses! And there I would dwell, with

my three beautiful mouse wives. And my twelve mouse concubines! HAHAHA!

Ohhhhh, but the wars we'd have with the frogs…Terrible… Just terrible. Those

meadow-mice warriors; the atrocities they've seen. Yes that is my dream. My secret

65

dream. What a minute! I'm not alone! (Gilderoy turns to Hermione) What the hell are you

still doing here POTTER!?

HERMIONE: I'm not Harry Potter.

GILDEROY: Oh yeah? Then why do you dress like him?

HERMIONE: Uh..

GILDEROY: You'll have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool the mouse

prince! (Gilderoy walks over to his desk) Well I'm through with your meddling; it's time to

take care of you once and for all. (Gilderoy opens the top drawer of his desk, takes something

out, and then walks toward Hermione. Gilderoy sets down a small white mouse next to

Hermione: this is Sprinkles) Sprinkles, escort him out of my office. (Sprinkles scurries away)

Where are you going!? Wait! (Sprinkles runs to a mouse hole in the wall; Gilderoy dives after

Sprinkles; but doesn't catch him in time. Sprinkles runs through the hole. Gilderoy is baffled)

How'd you fit through that hole!? I've never been able to fit through it! Damn. Double

damn and shit! Oh Sprinkles, my closest accomplice, how could you leave me now? You

know how much I appreciate your friendship and council. Now who's going to grade all

these papers!? (Gilderoy point toward a pile of midterms on his desk) Well, good reddens! I

won't allow myself to be governed by a fussy little mouse any longer! (Gilderoy turns his

attention back to Hermione)And you Potter. Yoooooou. (Gilderoy walks over to a chair and

sits down) I'm going to sit down in this chair and close my eyes for the next eight hours.

And when I open them, for your sake, you'd better be…ZzzzzzZzzz. (Gilderoy falls

asleep)

HERMIONE: What a f*cking idiot. (Hermione exits the office; in the hall, she happens upon a

possessed Ginny)

GINNY: Wuuuuuuuhhhhhh…

HERMIONE: Hey Ginny. What's up?

GINNY: Duuuuuuhhhh…

HERMIONE: Okay… Ginny, I've noticed that you haven't been saying as many stupid

things lately, but I think it's cause you haven't said anything in days. Is everything

okay?

GINNY: Uuurrrhhh! (Ginny runs off)

HERMIONE: Hmm. What is that girl up to? (Hermione suspiciously follows Ginny)

SCENE 3- THE RESURRECTION STONE

Lights up on the Headmaster's Office; the place is in shambles; Ginny holds the diary in one hand

and rips through drawers and cabinets with the other, as Voldemort barks orders to her.

Voldemort looks up at a portrait of Hogwarts' former Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore

VOLDEMORT: AHHHHHHHH! Dumbledore, you old fool! I know you've hidden

the Resurrection stone somewhere in your office! Keep looking, slave! Even if you have

to tear this whole school apart, brick by brick! (Hermione enters and sees Ginny destroying

the office; she can't see Voldemort)

HERMIONE: Ginny? What's going on?

GINNY: Huuuh?

VOLDEMORT: Eek! Get rid of her! Get rid of her! (Voldemort hides behind a desk; he is not

spotted by Hermione; that was a close one!)

HERMIONE: You realize it's against the rules to destroy the Headmaster's office.

Ginny, you've been acting like a real rule-breaker ever since you got… that diary.

66

VOLDEMORT: Journal.

HERMIONE: Wait… the Death Eaters were after that thing for some reason that night in

the Department of Mysteries. Maybe you should let me hold onto that… (she tries to grab

the diary, but Ginny recoils)

GINNY: Uhhh!

HERMIONE: Give me that diary, you spaz! (Hermione grabs at the diary, Ginny punches

her in the face) Ow! (she holds out her wand) Accio diary.

GINNY: No! (the diary flies from Ginny's hands and into Hermione's; she examines the name

on the front of it, her back is to Voldemort)

HERMIONE: Tom Marvolo Riddle? Wait a second… If I just take this letter here, and

rearrange it with this letter… and move this here and that there… (Hermione scratches out

some notes on a piece of paper; quickly deciphering that letter-rearranging trick) Now it reads…

"Am I Lord Voldemort?" (she got it a little wrong)

VOLDEMORT: No! I AM Lord Voldemort! (Voldemort jumps out from behind the desk)

HERMIONE: No. No. This can't be happening! You're dead!

VOLDEMORT: Nope!

HERMIONE: Harry defeated you! Dumbledore destroyed all the Horcruxes.

VOLDEMORT: Nope! There was one he missed. One that was hidden, until now.

HERMIONE: The diary?

VOLDEMORT: That's right, the journal.

HERMIONE: You're the Heir of Slytherin! You're the one opening the Chamber of

Secrets!

VOLDEMORT: Uhhhhh….Duh!

HERMIONE: But why are you petrifying everyone?

VOLDEMORT: Besides the fun of it? Well Miss Granger, I'm afraid it was nothing more

than… a red herring! To keep you idiots distracted while I hunt down the real prize; the

Resurrection Stone. Once I have it, I'll be whole again. The bitch is back, and there's hell

to pay. You do realize, now that you know the truth, you must be silenced?

HERMIONE: Are you going to kill me?

VOLDEMORT: Nope! I think I'll put you on ice. Save you for later. Oh slave! Summon

my beast from the Chamber of Secrets!

GINNY: Hiiiiisssss…

VOLDEMORT: (turns to Hermione) I'd run if I were you. (Hermione makes a break for it; in

the distance, the sound of a giant approaching snake grows louder and louder)

BASALISK: Where'sssssss that sssstupid human you want me to get? I'll murderlizessss

'em. Lemme at 'em. Lemme at 'em! Hisssssss… (as Hermione runs through the halls, she

takes a piece of paper and begins to scribble on it)

67

HERMIONE: To whoever finds this note…

BASALISK: Lemme at 'em. Lemme at 'em! Take thisssssss…

HERMIONE: … Destroy the diary… (as Hermione rounds a corner, she comes face to face

with the Basalisk) DUUUURRRRRHHHHH! (she is petrified, lights down)

SCENE 4- THE INFIRMARY

(Lights up on the Infirmary of Hogwarts; MADAME POMFRY solemnly attends to the

hundreds of petrified students. Ron rushes into the room.)

RON: Madame Pomfry! Madame Pomfry!

POMFRY: Oh Ronald, there you are!

RON: I came as soon as I got your telegram. What's up?

POMFRY: Well, I didn't know who else to call. Her nearest of kin were unreachable,

then I remembered the two of you were an item so…

RON: Oh god, LAVENDER!

POMFRY: No Ronald, it's not Lavender Brown… It's Hermione. (she pulls back a hospital

curtain to reveal a petrified Hermione lying motionless on a cot)

RON: Hermione? Oh no… OH NO! What happened to her, doc?!

POMFRY: She's been petrified, Ronald, badly. And unless someone puts a stop to that

Chamber of Secrets Monster, I'm afraid she doesn't have much time left. (she exits, Ron

kneels at Hermione's side)

RON: Oh Hermione. I don't know if you can hear me in there… but I'm sorry. I've been

a lousy boyfriend. I'm the one that should be lying on that cot, not you. I don't know if

I'm cut out to solve this mystery. I'm no hero.

SONG- I'M JUST A SIDEKICK

RON: (singing)

It's not fair

It's not fair

I didn't know

I wasn't there

It's not fair

It's not fair

Seeing you lying there

I wasn't strong enough

to save you from the evil stuff

I wasn't smart like you

To do what you would do

68

I know I'm not a leading man

I know I'm not a star

but I know what makes me special

is what I feel in my heart….

I'm just a sidekick

but I love being at your side

I've been in the shadows for far too long-

But I'm the leading man of this song

I was a stupid doofus but now that's gone

I'm ready for a change, gonna keep calm and carry on!

I know I'm not a pretty boy, but I'm a man

I'll find a way to save ya baby, yes I can

don't confuse the way i was with the way I am

I'm ready for a change, gonna take a stand

I'm just a sidekick

I'm just a sidekick

I'm just a sidekick

but I love being at your side

I'm always forgotten

always come in second place

I'll never be a front man

no one can remember my face

If I was in a dinner

I would surely be the less prominent taste

but when I think of how I feel for you

and the love I have inside

I forget about all the things I am not

and my heart swells up with pride

Am I the strongest (no I'm not)

Am I the smartest (no I'm not)

Am I the hottest (no I'm not)

But am I the greatest (no I'm not)

Am I the hero (no I'm not)

Am I the one who steals the show (no I'm not)

Am I the one who you should know (no I'm not)

But am I the one who takes you home (definitely not)

Am I the chosen one (no I'm not)

Am I the prodigal son (no I'm not)

Am I almost done (no I'm not)

69

But I'm the one who's gonna love you with— all of his heart because… that's what I got!

I'm the one who's gonna love you with— all of his heart because… that's what I've got!

I'm not a great athlete, I'm no good at art

I know my brain is not my most impressive part

My wand can barely work and my car won't start

but I know what makes me special's what i feel in my heart

I'm just a sidekick

I'm just a sidekick

I'm just a sidekick

but I love, I love, I love being at your side

(Ron grabs Hermione's hand, where he finds the note crumpled inside)

RON: What's this? (he reads from it) "To whoever finds this note, The Chamber of Secrets

is being opened by Lord Voldemort. He's back. There's one final horcrux. Destroy the

diary…" What diary?! Oh shit. (Draco Malfoy runs in)

DRACO: Madame Pomfry! I came as soon as I received your telegram! Madame

Pomfry? Where is she? Where's… Hermione. (he sees her frozen body) Oh no.

RON: This is all your fault, Malfoy! You're the Head Boy and you didn't do anything to

find out who was opening the Chamber of Secrets!

DRACO: Now now, pointing fingers won't solve anything, no matter how true it may

be.

RON: Well Hermione figured it out! It's Voldemort. He's the Heir of Slytherin. He's

back. So why don't you just get outta here?! You're the last person I wanna talk to right

now!

DRACO: Wait. Just hear me out, okay?! I know we haven't always gotten along. I hate

you because you have everything I could ever want and don't deserve any of it.

RON: I agree. And I hate you because someone told me to.

DRACO: But despite our differences, we do have something in common… Neither of us

wanted this to happen to Hermione.

RON: Okay, so what do you suppose we do about it?

DRACO: Us? There's very little we can do. You and I are the two stupidest people I

know. But together, we just might be smart enough to find someone who is smart

enough to save the school… and Hermione.

RON: You're right! If we're dealing with Voldemort there's only one guy to turn to. The

one guy that has the power to make the impossible possible…We need to find Harry

Potter! He's the savior of Hogwarts; that's his thing! But how are we gonna do that? He

could be anywhere! To find him it would take all the luck in the world.

DRACO: Luck eh? Well, we could always use… this! (Malfoy removes a small vile of liquid

from beneath his robes)

RON: Malfoy, is that what I think it is?

DRACO: No. It's Felix Felicis. The most powerful good-luck potion in the world.

Professor Slughorn gave it to me last year before he got busted for "collecting" young

boys.

RON: Whoa! You've had Felix Felicis this whole time and you haven't used it?

DRACO: Of course I've used it Weasley! How do you think I got those two votes in the

Head-Boy election?!

70

RON: Well hand it over! (he reaches for it, but Malfoy pulls away)

DRACO: Ah ah ah Weasley. We haven't discussed the subject of payment.

RON: Payment?! Malfoy, you butthead! Isn't saving the school payment enough?

DRACO: Nope. I want something else. What I've always wanted really. If we're able to

save the school, and stop Hermione Granger from dying… we both get to date her.

RON: Argh.

DRACO: Or I could just drink the last of my Felix Felicis and hit the penny arcade…

RON: Alright! Alright! You win, Malfoy. I guess sharing Hermione is better than

burying Hermione.

DRACO: Excellent. HAHAHA! (he pours half of the vile's contents into a small cup and

hands it to Ron) Okay, Weasley, here's half of what's left. Now, when you drink this

potion, you'll have better luck than you've ever had before. But the effects are only

temporary and they won't last long.

RON: Malfoy, you look for the Chamber of Secrets. When I get back with Harry, we'll

need you to show us where it is so we can solve this mystery once and for all!

DRACO: Got it. Well … good luck, my man.

RON: Bottom's up. (Ron and Draco down the felix felisis, it makes both of the boys groggy)

Woah, this feels goooooooood.

DRACO: Alright, gotta find the Chamber of Secrets. Will do… right after I go to the

bathroom. The prefect's bathroom. But wait, Filtch has the boys' one closed for repairs.

Oh well, I'll just have to use the girls'… Hm. I have the curious desire to hiss at some

graffiti of a snake. (Draco wanders off)

RON: Okay Ron. First things first: transportation. Gotta find a broom, or learn how to

apperate really quick. It's too bad that flying car drove off on the first day of—

THE FLYING CAR: Beep Beep! (suddenly The Flying Car appears and pulls up next to Ron)

RON: The Flying Car!

THE FLYING CAR: (sputtering, trying to explain itself for running away)

PuuuPuuuPupupupPuuu!

RON: You don't have to explain anything. You're hear now and that's all that counts.

Quick lets blow this— (Suddenly the flying car's door swings open, hitting Ron in the face.

Gilderoy Lockheart emerges from the driver's seat)

GILDEROY: Where are you off to in such a hurry, SNEEZLEY!?

RON: Oh what luck, an adult! Maybe you can help me! I'm trying to find Harry Potter!

GILDEROY: Oh, I know exactly where to find Harry Potter.

RON: YOU DO!?

GILDEROY: Of course I do. You can find Harry….In your neighborhood bookstore; this

fall, motherf*cker. (from within his robes, Gilderoy reveals a hard-cover copy of the book "Harry

Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone")

RON: What the hell is that!?

GILDEROY: This my dear boy, is a young adult novel; my latest work. Harry Potter and

the Sorcerer's Stone. Catchy title, wouldn't you say?

RON: Sorcerer's Stone? Do you mean Philosopher's Stone? That stupid piece of crap

Draco found at Pigfarts?

GILDEROY: Yes. I thought it was safer to call it the Sorcerer's Stone; so it's very clear

that this book is about wizards.

RON: Wait!? Why would any-wizard in the world not know that a book about Harry

Potter was about wizards?

71

GILDEROY: Hohoho. This book isn't for wizards, you meddlesome ass… it's for

muggles.

RON: Muggles? Muggles don't know anything about Harry…

GILDEROY: Which makes them the perfect market. Beautiful isn't it? In our world

Harry's story is common knowledge. But to muggles, Harry Potter is brand new! In fact,

it's the cash cow franchise of the decade! You see, I've been pulling this is a little scam

for a while now. I go to the muggle world, find a popular book series, bring it to the

Wizarding World, slap my name on it, and sell it to idiot wizards. But then I got the idea

to do the same thing… but different. Take a wizard story, and sell it to muggles. So I

coned some stupid troll into writing this shlock for me and ALAKAZAM! Every eleven

year old in the world will be wishing they were Harry Potter!

RON: But Mr. Lockheart, if you sell Harry's story to muggles you'll expose wizards!

That's like taking our whole world and… and…

GILDEROY: F*cking it in the face?

RON: Yeah.

GILDEROY: That's the idea. I'm going to make these books HUGE; then real fun

begins! Do you have any idea how much I'm going to make on merchandise? The

Severus Snape beach towel! The Hermione Granger toothbrush! How about a "real"

wand you little muggle bastards!? Well guess what kiddies: they're just resin! They

don't shoot spells! And boy howdy, do they break like f*cking twigs! (he snaps one of

those movie replica wands in half) T-Shirts, bed sheets, video games, action figures. And in

time, a theme park in sunny Orlando Florida; 85 bucks a head! How about a real

Butterbear! 9 bucks please! It's just cream soda you F*CKING. IDIOTS! I'm going to

squeeze the Harry Potter franchise for every, last, red cent. And once I have all that

money, I'm going to shrink myself to the size of a f*cking mouse.

RON: You're mad Gilderoy.

GILDEROY: I've worked hard to drive Potter away, that stinker. Who do you think

made all those buttons? I'm not letting you bring him back to stop me now!

RON: Then you'll have to kill me! Cause I'll do anything to bring Harry back!

GILDEROY: (brandishing his wand) Oh no you won't Sneezley. I happen to be quite

adept at memory charms. After I'm done with you, you won't remember anything about

Harry Potter. But don't worry; you can read him and all his friends for only $29.95. Now

saw goodbye to your memories! OBLIVI- (just then the door to the room bursts open)

WIZARD COP #1: FREEZE MOTHERF*CKER WE'RE THE WIZARD COPS! (Wizard

Cops flood the stage)

GILDEROY: NO!

KINGSLEY: On the ground!

GILDEROY: You'll never take me alive!

KINGSLEY: Fire! (the Wizard Cops open fire on Gilderoy; he holds his own wand to his head

and puts a spell on himself)

GILDEROY: Reducio! HAHAHAHAHAA! (Gilderoy shrinks himself to the size of a mouse and

makes a break for it)

KINGSLEY: Where'd he go!?

WIZARD COP #1: Look! He's headed for that mouse-hole!

KINGSLEY: Bust that sucka! (Gilderoy escapes into the mouse-hole)

WIZARD COP #1: He got away…for now.

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KINGSLEY: Damn. According to our Ministry files Gilderoy's got a time turner stashed

away somewhere; I sure hope he don't do nothing with those twisted Harry Potter

books.

RON: Kingsley Shacklebolt!

KINGSLEY: You sure are lucky Ron Weasley. The Wizard Cops just got to Hogwarts

when our man inside told us you might be in trouble.

RON: Man on the inside? Who's that? (Hagrid enters)

HAGRID: Hagrid! That's who! I've been working with the Wizard Cops all year.

Keeping an eye on you lot. And I think it just paid off! So what do you say, Kingsley?

Can I please be a real Wizard Cop?

KINGSLEY: Oh we'll see about that… junior deputy. (He hands Hagrid a plastic starshaped

badge)

HAGRID: GASP!

KINGSLEY: Hagrid. Welcome: to the Wizard Cops!

WIZARD COP #1: Word.

HAGRID: Thank you! This is a dream come true!

KINGSLEY: Now, let's do the job we actually came here to do! Get all the kids out of

their dormitories and into the courtyard.

RON: Why?

KINGSLEY: We're evacuating Hogwarts. The school's not safe anymore. Kids getting

petrified. Monster on the loose. The whole Wizarding world could be in danger. The

Ministry has made its decision; we're getting everyone out… and we're destroying the

castle.

RON: No!

KINGSLEY: This is the end of the line. In about thirty minutes the Wizard Air force will

be here; and they're blowing up Hogwarts.

RON: Mr. Shacklebolt! You gotta wait! We can still save it!

KINGSLEY: Back off Ron! I got a job to do. Hagrid; keep an eye on him. And if I catch

you or any of Dumbledore's Army trying to get in our way, I'll take you down myself.

I'm sorry Ron; it's for your own good. (Kingsley and the Wizard Cops exit as McGonnagol

appears to address the school, her wand at her throat)

MCGONNAGOL: Attention all Hogwarts students! This is an emergency! Please exit

the castle and prepare to apparate off school grounds! This is not a drill! (she exits)

RON: No…

HAGRID: Ron! Psst! Ron! Come here! I'm puttin' my badge on the line here…but I

don't care! (Hagrid leads Ron to the open front door of the flying car) Get in the flying car! Go

find Harry! Bring him back! We can't let Hogwarts be destroyed!

RON: If only Harry hadn't left! If only you didn't scare him away with that stupid pep

talk of yours!

HAGRID: Ron! You listen to Hagrid! I told Harry just what he needed to hear. This

might come as a shock to you … but I'm not a happy person. And I didn't want Harry to

end up… like me. Because as great as school is…when you get old and fat like Hagrid;

you realize it isn't school you miss. School was shit! It was being young, and skinny, and

physically able to have sex. I know this sounds crazy to you; but at seventeen, when

your time at school is done, your life's just startin'. That's what I wanted for Harry. Not

this. So think Ron! Where would Harry go if he had nothing left in this world?

RON: I think I know.

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HAGRID: Then are you waiting for!? Go! (Ron hops in the driver's seat of the flying car and

takes off)

RON: Goodbye Hagrid! I'll either come back with Harry, or I'll die trying! Let's go

Flying Car! (Ron flies off into the night sky)

SCENE 5- GODRIC'S HOLLOW

(Harry enters the village square of Godric's Hollow; in the middle of the square, stands a huge

statue of Harry)

HARRY: Here I am. Godric's Hollow, the place of my birth. The one place in this

wretched world where I'll be remembered for all time. (He touches the statue fondly)

You're not going anywhere, are ya buddy? (A MAN WITH A BEARD enters, he's dressed

as a construction worker in flip-flops)

MAN WITH THE BEARD: Alright! Let her rip! (a wrecking ball flies onto the stage,

smashing the Harry Potter statue to a million pieces)

HARRY: Hey! What'd you tear down that statue for?

MAN WITH THE BEARD: What? That old eyesore? City's been getting to many

complaints about that thing. We gotta make room for this! (motions to his crew offstage)

Bring it in boys! A new statue… of Spider-Man!

HARRY: Well, if I'm being replaced by Spider-Man, I guess I can live with that. (A

giant, full color statue is dropped into place)

MAN WITH THE BEARD: Yep, Andrew Garfield.

HARRY: What? No. Toby Maguire is Spiderman.

MAN WITH THE BEARD: Who?

HARRY: You know. Toby Maguire? Spiderman?

MAN WITH THE BEARD: Oh! You mean from those old movies? Yeah, I saw those

once. What was the bad guy in those? He was like a green gremlin with those robot

snakes on his back; could turn to sand or something. Yeah, that was pretty cool. Did

you know they do all that with computers? Say kid, why the long face?

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HARRY: I guess not even the Spiderman movies are sacred, are they? I thought people

would remember those forever. I take back all the bad things I ever said about

Spiderman 3. Sam Raimi did the best he could, given the circumstances. Studios

breathing down his neck; Avi Arad making him put Venom in the movie. Sam did so

much good, and in the end they threw him out like yesterday's garbage.

MAN WITH THE BEARD: Hey come on kid, they're just movies. They're not that big

of a deal.

HARRY: Well, if the Spiderman movies aren't a big deal, then what is?

MAN WITH THE BEARD: Guess that all depends. Take it from me, a professional

monument destroyer and re-builder. In the late nineties I was tearing down statues of

Batman, now I'm building 'em all over the place. You like Toby Maguire Spiderman, but

this Andrew Garfield Spiderman is gonna mean a lot to a ton of kids with bad taste. But

one day I'll come and tear him down too… if I get the contract, god willing. Things

come and go. Nothing lasts forever, and kid, nothing's built to. But what do I know,

huh? I'm just your everyday, working class, run-of-the-mill, blue-collar, gay guy with a

beard. Well, we're right about to bulldoze the old historic Potter house and the Potter

museum. In fact, this whole Harry Potter craze is gonna be over in about thirty minutes.

Why don't you go on in there and take one last look around?

HARRY: Thanks.

MAN WITH THE BEARD: Hey no problem, Harry. I love you.

HARRY: Hey how'd you—- Huh? (Harry turns to look at The Man with the Beard, but he's

gone; Suddenly, we hear the approach of the flying car)

RON: Harry? Harry!

HARRY: Ron? (Ron lands the Flying Car, jumps out, and rushes to Harry)

RON: I knew you'd be in Godric's Hallow!

HARRY: Man, what're you doing here?

RON: I came to get you. The schools in trouble!

HARRY: Again?

RON: Big trouble this time! Harry, they're gonna destroy Hogwarts!

HARRY: Why don't you call the wizard cops? Or better yet, have Gilderoy Lockheart

take care of it.

RON: Both of those people are part of the problem! But that's not the worst of it, Harry.

It's Voldemort. He's still alive. He's the Heir of Slytherin!

HARRY: Voldemort… That's impossible… Well… Just bounce his own killing curse

back at him! That usually works!

RON: But he's got the Chamber of Secrets monster this time! And it's already petrified

half the kids at school!

HARRY: Sucks for them.

RON: And it got Hermione. Harry, she's petrified… And I can't do anything to help her.

HARRY: Ron, I can't come with you.

RON: Why?! Cause you're afraid to fight Voldemort again?!

HARRY: No!

RON: Or is it cause nobody thinks your cool anymore?! Who cares! You haven't

changed! You'll always be cool! Cause "cool" doesn't come from other people, it comes

from you! Here. (Ron takes a Gryffindor tie out of his pocket and offers it to Harry) This is

yours. Remember what this means? The house of the brave. The house of the good guys.

There's a reason you got put in this house. Harry, I've gotten as far as I can go. I need

you to finish this.

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HARRY: It must nice… having someone to come crying to when you can't do things for

yourself.

RON: Yeah, it was nice… Having a friend to rely on. Harry Potter was my best friend,

but you know what? You're not Harry Potter.

HARRY: That's right.

RON: Well, whoever you are, you don't deserve to be my friend… Here. (Ron throws

Harry's tie to the ground and exits; Harry stares at it for a moment, then slumps to his knees; he

drops his head into his hands… until he hears a strange, muffled music emitting from his pocket)

HARRY: Huh? (he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the snitch that Dumbledore left to him)

My lucky snitch? (he reads the inscription on it aloud) "I open at the close." (the snitch

magically opens to reveal a beautiful shimmering stone, The Resurrection Stone; behind Harry,

the ghost of his father, JAMES POTTER, fades into existence and sings)

SONG- EVERYTHING ENDS

JAMES: (singing)

You don't know what you're hiding from

How did life become such a sad song

HARRY: (speaking) Dad? (the ghost of SIRIUS BLACK appears)

SIRIUS: (singing)

You don't know what you're fighting for

What you came here for, feeling all alone

HARRY: (speaking) Sirius.

JAMES:

You have loved

SIRIUS:

You have lost

JAMES & SIRIUS:

How could this be happening?

JAMES:

All alone

SIRIUS:

On your own (REMUS LUPIN's ghost appears)

JAMES, SIRIUS & LUPIN:

But you shouldn't give up

No you shouldn't do that!

HARRY: (speaking) Lupin!

JAMES, SIRIUS & LUPIN:

Never ever give up!

No you never do that!

HARRY: Dad, Sirius, Lupin!

76

JAMES: Hello son.

LUPIN: Hey Harry.

HARRY: What are you guys doing here? I thought you all died.

LUPIN: We did. But you brought us here, Harry.

HARRY: How?

SIRIUS: That thing in your hand. That's what Dumbledore left to you. It's called the

Resurrection Stone.

HARRY: It brings people back from the dead?

JAMES: Not really. It just sort of lets you talk to ghosts.

HARRY: But everybody at school can do that.

LUPIN: It's kind of a piece of shit. (Harry covers his ears) I mean, poopy.

SIRIUS: Nothing can stop death, Harry.

JAMES: (singing)

Nothing is made to last

The sun goes up, and falls so fast

LUPIN: (singing)

The clock looks still, still the hours pass

And all that time is never coming back (LILY EVANS appears and joins the three

Marauders)

JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN & LILY: (singing)

Everything has an end

Even the lives of family and friends

Everything has an end

Even when it doesn't make sense

HARRY: (speaking) Mom! You're still with dad in heaven? That's beautiful.

LILY: Actually. I separated from your father. He's kind of immature. I found someone

new in heaven. (a voice calls out from offstage)

CEDRIC: I'd say we found each other! (the ghost of CEDRIC DIGGORY enters)

HARRY: CEDRIC!?

CEDRIC: Why hello there Harry!

HARRY: Mom! You're dating Cedric!?

LILY: We're not dating Harry; we're married!

CEDRIC: Looks like I'm your heavenly father, eh Potter!

HARRY: MOM! This is the stupidest thing you've ever done!

CEDRIC: Hey! You can speak to me however you like. But when you talk like that to my

woman, that's when we're gonna have words.

HARRY: Alright! You suck so much Cedric!

CEDRIC: We'll agree to disagree. I'm glad we could find some common ground.

HARRY: Ugh…You're still doing that?

CEDRIC: Well if it's not broke, don't find a way to fix it!

HARRY: Man. I hate that guy.

SNAPE: Tell me about it. (Lights up on the ghost of SEVEROUS SNAPE)

HARRY: Snape!

SNAPE: Hey Harry. Pop a squat, dude. (Harry sits next to Snape) Listen, we're all here

cause we've been watching over you, and it looks like you're having some trouble. At

first, I took great pleasure in your suffering, but now it's just bumming me out. What's

77

the deal, man?

HARRY: Snape, I've lost everything that made me who I am. I lost my fame, my

purpose. And I'm about to loose Hogwarts. What do I do? How do I make things go

back to how they used to be?

SNAPE: That's just it, Harry… you can't.

JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN, LILY, CEDRIC & SNAPE: (singing)

You can't hold on to what's gone

Don't try to fix it, just move on

Only then, you'll see the world all brand new

SNAPE: (speaking) The end comes to us all, Harry, whether we like it or not. But

sometimes, we get to choice how we go. Look at me, I could've helped the Dark Lord

take over the world and lived like a half-blood prince. But instead, I died to protect the

last trace of the woman I loved. And did I do it because I thought it would make people

like me? No. I hate people. Did I do it to be remembered? No. I did it, because it was

right. And now you have a choice, Harry. You can run and hide until you inevitably

peter out of existence, or you can go down in one last blaze of glory.

JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN, LILY, CEDRIC & SNAPE: (singing)

Everything ends

Everything ends

Everything ends

Everything ends

HARRY: Snape, if I go back. If I face him again, it'll be… my end.

SNAPE: Yes. But you have to ask yourself the same thing I did… Would you rather it

end any other way?

JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN, LILY, CEDRIC & SNAPE: (singing)

After the sun has had its rest

It will arise, and light up the sky!

You can't hold onto what's past

Nothing is made to last. (as the snitch closes once more, the ghosts fade away and Harry Potter

is left alone onstage in a single pool of light; after a moment, his reprise begins.)

HARRY: (singing)

Underneath these skies

I hear the groans, I feel the eyes

of my teachers, my mother, and my dad

I know how right they are

And it stings my lighting scar

To know that I could've messed things up so bad

Now the school's in danger

And my friend, Hermione Granger

Has been petrified

Voldemort's been plottin'

78

But there's one thing he's forgotten…

I'm still alive

I've got a plan that I've been kickin' around

My friend's in trouble so I'm skipping this town

Hey, it's no mystery

It's all so clear to me now…

I gotta get back to Hogwarts (Harry puts his Gryffindor tie back on)

I gotta get back to school

I gotta myself to Hogwarts

How have I been such a fool?

Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts

To goblins and ghosts, it's a magical feast

It's all that I love and it's all that I need

At Hogwarts, Hogwarts

I think I'm going back

I'll save my friends, gonna laugh till we cry

Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky

No way this year anyone's gonna die

And it's gonna be totally awesome

I'll cast some spells with a flick of my wand

Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah bring it on

And do it all with my best friend, Ron

Cause together, we're totally awesome

(Ron enters)

RON:

Yeah, cause together we're totally awesome!

HARRY: (speaking) Ron, you came back.

RON: Just in the nick of time. I was on my way back to school, but I ran into this man

with a beard. He told me you'd probably change your mind, and then I heard you

singing….

HARRY: Ron, sorry I forgot who I was. But I remember now… I'm your friend.

RON: Best friend.

HARRY: Now come on, pal! Rev up that flying car! (the Flying Car drives up beside the

boys and they hop inside)

RON: Let's go buddy! (they take off into the air; Ron sings)

We don't have long, but we're goin' back

Don't go for work, don't go there for class

HARRY:

As long as we're together

RON:

Gonna kick some ass

HARRY & RON:

And it's gonna be totally awesome

Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome

We've sick of sulking and this moping around

79

It's like we're sitting in the lost and found

Don't take no sorcery

For anyone to see how

We gotta get back to Hogwarts

We gotta get back to school

We gotta get ourselves to Hogwarts

Where everything is magicooool!

Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts

To goblins and ghosts, it's a magical feast

It's all that I love and it's all that I need

At Hogwarts, Hogwarts

I think we're goin' back

(Back at school, Kingsley Shacklebolt and the Wizard Cops are finishing the evacuation of

Hogwarts; the Kids glumly file out of the school in an orderly line; Neville carries the Sorting

Hat and the Scarf of Sexual Preference)

KINGSLEY: Keep moving kids! Get as far away from the school as you can!

SCARFY: Who would have thought, after all these years it would end like this.

SORTY: There, there Scarfy… (just then, a "Beep beep" is heard in the distance)

LAVENDER: Did you hear that?

DEAN: It sounded just like… No, couldn't be. (There is a WOOSH as The Flying Car

swoops over the kids heads and flies towards the castle)

SEAMUS: Bloody hell… It's Harry Potter!

DEAN: He's back?

NEVILLE: He's b-b-back?

SEAMUS: He's back!

CHO: Then there's still a chance to save the school!

KIDS: YEH!

CHO: Come on ya'll! (all the Kids of Hogwarts start heading back inside the castle)

KINGSLEY: And where the hell do you kids think you're going!?

LUNA: We're going to help our friend.

KINGSLEY: If you set one foot inside that school you'll be in direct violation of the

Wizard Cops!

WIZARD COP #1: Word!

SEAMUS: Stuff it you old geezer! (the kids push past the Wizard Cops and run back into

Hogwarts)

DEAN: Come on gang!

KIDS: (singing)

Who knows how fast the school's gonna blow

This is our last chance, the end of the show

Grab the whole cast; Neville, Luna and Cho

CHO:

Oh no, this is way too awesome!

KIDS:

We're back to do anything that we can

To save the place where our story began

And here we are and alakazam

Here we go, this is totally awesome

80

This school has taught us everything we know

The wait is over and we're itchin to go

I think we're ready for

Our favorite Gryffindor!

AHHHHH!

(Harry and Ron land the Flying Car and are greeted by the Hogwarts Kids, who part to make

way for Headmaster McGonagall)

MCGONNAGOL:

Welcome both of you to Hogwarts

I welcome back you both to school

Did you know that here at Hogwarts

We've always known that you are cool?

You'll always have a home at Hogwarts

All you hotties, nerds and tools

The time has come to fight for Hogwarts

So let's go and beat these nasty fools!

(Draco rushes onto the stage and sees that Ron has returned)

DRACO: Weasley, good. You've found Harry. I've found The Chamber of Secrets. It was

in the girl's bathroom all along. I got the information out of Moaning Myrtle. It wasn't

hard to seduce her. The entrance is over the stall with the perpetually clogged shitty

toilet with crap smeared all over the ground. We always assumed that one girl in school

was just a really messy pooper; but it appears the stall is magically kept gross to ward

off the curious.

MCGONAGALL: Excellent work, Mr. Malfoy. Harry Potter, you've got to get down

there and slay the monster, or else this school and everyone in it will be destroyed. I'll

try and stop that Wizard Cop air strike! Prepare my flying machine! (she runs off)

HARRY: Alright, guys, let's go. Nobody has to come who doesn't want to.

SORTY: We're with you, Harry!

SCARFY: Hogwarts is our home too!

HARRY: Then it's time to take it back.

KIDS: (singing)

Back for witches and wizards and magical beasts

For goblins and ghosts, it's a magical feast

It's all that I love and it's all that I need

At Hogwarts, Hogwarts

Back for spells and enchantments, potions and friends

For Gryfindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Slytherins!

Back to the place where our story will end

At Hogwarts, Hogwarts

RON:

I'm sorry, what's it's name?!

KIDS:

Hogwarts, Hogwarts

RON:

I didn't hear you guys!

KIDS:

Hogwarts, Hogwarts

81

HARRY: (spoken)

Man, I'm glad I'm back.

SCENE 6- THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS

Harry, Ron, Draco, Neville, Luna, Seamus, Dean, Cho, Lavender, and the other kids of Hogwarts

stand in a tight group in the girl's bathroom; Draco points to a picture of a snake above the gross

toilet he described earlier.

DRACO: Right there. That picture of a snake. Speak parseltongue at it and the Chamber

opens.

HARRY: Let's do this. Voldemort is going down. Hiiisssss. Come on. (The door to the

Chamber of Secrets clanks open and they step inside; the Chamber is dark, wet and cold) Alright

everyone. Stick together. (suddenly the voice of Lord Voldemort fills the Chamber)

VOLDEMORT: Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived. We meet again, for the last time.

(Voldemort emerges from behind a stone pillar) So you came back to die with your school?

HARRY: I came back to stop you. How many times do I have to kill you, Voldemort?

VOLDEMORT: Clearly more than once.

HARRY: You really think you stand a chance? I already beat you; the real you. All you

are is a ghost.

VOLDEMORT: Not for long. Soon I'll find the Resurrection Stone, and I'll be back.

HARRY: You mean this? (Harry removes the resurrection stone from within his robes)

VOLDEMORT: Yeessss.

HARRY: I hate to rain on your parade, but it doesn't work, Voldemort. It only brings

back spirits. It doesn't raise people from the grave. I don't know what you heard, but it's

just a piece of crap. No one escapes death.

VOLDEMORT: Ah, but it's not a piece of crap. You're a piece of crap. It does work.

Dumbledore just didn't know how. In order to truly regain life, you have to take it from

someone else. (Voldemort summons Ginny from the shadows, she is completely under his

control)

GINNY: Durrrrrrruuurrruurrrrrr…

VOLDEMORT: I'm gonna use her's. (Harry runs to Ginny, grabs he shoulders, and begins

desperately shaking her)

HARRY: Ginny! Snap out of it! What did you do to her?

VOLDEMORT: I've been possessing her all year. Devouring her soul. And I should

thank you Harry; you're the one that gave her to me. (Voldemort raises his hand, magically

making Ginny punch Harry in the face)

HARRY: Ow! (Harry recoils, rejoining the group of Hogwarts kids, Voldy puts his hands on

Ginny's shoulders)

VOLDEMORT: She belongs to me now. And once I have that stone, I'll be able to fully

steal her life. Then I'll return, and her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever.

HARRY: You're not gonna get this stone, Voldemort. I've got a whole school backing

me up. This isn't just between you and me.

VOLDEMORT: You're right. This isn't between you and me. It's between you and me

and my giant SNAKE! (as Voldemort calls to it, the Basalisk emerges from its resting pool; it

rears up and bears it's enormous fangs)

BASALISK: HISSSSS! I'm gonna get you stupid humans! Take thisss! (the Basalisk

advances on the children)

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KIDS: CHAMBER OF SECRETS MONSTER!

SEAMUS: Bloody hell! That snake is almost as big as the snake.. (he points to his wiener,

but accidentally looks into the Basalisk's eyes; he is suddenly struck motionless) Duuuhhh—-

(Dean runs to Seamus's side)

DEAN: Seamus! He's petrified!

KIDS: AHHHHHH!

HARRY: Don't look at that thing! It'll petrify you if you do!

CHO: Run for it! (the kids scatter)

KIDS: AHHHHHH! (the Basalisk gives chase)

BASALISK: HISSSSS! (Harry, Ron, Draco, Neville, Sorty, Scarfy and some other kids take

cover behind a pillar as the Basalisk slithers past)

RON: How do we beat the Chamber of Secrets Monster!? We can't even look at it!

SORTY: This creature is a basalisk! The sword of Godric Gryffindor is the only weapon

strong enough to pierce its scales! It is said the truest Gryffindor, without fear or selfdoubt,

will be able to pull the sword from within me!

RON: Huh? How'd the sword of Gryffindor get inside you, Sorty?

SCARFY: Well, I might have had something to do with that.

NEVILLE: Let me try! (Neville reaches into the Sorting Hat, but comes out empty handed)

Nothing….

HARRY: I'll try. (Harry reaches into the hat, but also fails to pull out a sword) What!?

Nothing!

SCARFY: Harry! You're still afraid! Unsure of yourself! (suddenly the Basalisk whips his

head around the corner, spotting the hidden kids)

BASALISK: HISSSSS! Found ya!

KIDS: AHHH!

SCARFY: Well, if we want a fighting chance somebody's gotta blind that thing! Outta

the way kids! (Scarfy starts flying toward the Basalisk, Sorty stops him)

SORTY: Scarfy… Why do you have to be so brave?

SCARFY: You're the one who sorted me into Gryffindor!

SORTY: And you're the one who taught this old hat how to love.

SCARFY: Goodbye Sorty!

SORTY: Be careful! (Scarfy flies at the Basalisk)

SCARFY: Take this you tacky snake! HAH! (Scarfy jumps onto the Basalisk's face, covering

his eyes)

BASALISK: Oh! I can't see!

HARRY: Let's try some magic! Everyone! Shoot the snake! (all the kids jump out from

behind pillars and begin shooting the Basalisk with spells)

KIDS: Magic! Magic! Pow! Pow! Pow!

BASALISK: Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Did you guys come here just to hurt me!? Ow! I liked it

better when my Chamber was a Secret! (all the spells simply bounce off the Basalisk's thick

skin)

RON: Our spells aren't doing anything! His scales are too strong!

HARRY: Well at least he can't see us. Everyone be quiet! (all the kids become silent)

BASALISK: Huh? Where'd they go? Macro.

DRACO: Polo.

BASALISK: Got you sucker!

HARRY: Shit! Draco! (the Basalisk lunges towards Draco, but Harry pushes him out of the

way; the Basalisk then starts swinging his tail at Harry, thrashing madly) AHHH!

83

RON: Harry! Over here! (Harry tries to run to Ron, who is hidden behind a pillar, but before

he can, Ginny appears, her wand pointed at Harry)

GINNY: Stupefy! (Ginny shoots Harry with a spell)

HARRY: Durr! (he falls to the ground; Voldemort appears, he controls Ginny, making her

approach the Basalisk and pull Scarfy off its face; Ginny holds Scarfy so Voldemort can look him

straight in the button eyes)

VOLDEMORT: You! Rrrr…

SCARFY: Well, well, Tom Riddle.

VOLDEMORT: How dare you use that name…

SCARFY: You may have slicked your hair back, lost the shirt and added a fabulous

cape, but you're still that confused little orphan boy from all those years ago. Or a piece

of him, at least. The angry piece that never opened his eyes to all the people who tried to

love him!

VOLDEMORT: Shut up!

SCARFY: But you're wrong about the world, just like you're wrong about yourself.

People did care about you. Dumbledore did. I did. And I think you care about people

too, deep down. And you know it…

VOLDEMORT: Oh yeah? How's this for caring? (he grabs Ginny's wand-holding hand and

points it at Scarfy) Avada Kedavra!

SCAFRY: Ah… (Scarfy dies, Ginny tosses him to the ground)

SORTY: Scarfy!

KIDS: NOOOO!

VOLDEMORT: (pointing Ginny's wand toward Harry) Accio Resurrection Stone! (the

Resurrection Stone flies from his pocket and towards Voldemort)

HARRY: No! (Harry jumps onto the stone, pinning it to the ground)

VOLDEMORT: Give me that stone. Basalisk! (the Basalisk begins beating Harry with its

heavy tail, over and over) You're finished. You can't stop me. Remember? You've lost

everything that made you the Chosen One. You're not the boy you were. Face it, you

don't even know who you are. (Harry, though on the ground, still holds the Sorting Hat; with

the last of his strength, he reaches inside of it… and pulls out the Sword of Godric Gryffindor)

HARRY: (singing as he raises)

I'm Harry freakin Potter!

I'll do what I can

If what you say I am is true

I can't be bothered

By my awful past

I've found at last

Something I can do

So it's time I knew

Exactly who I am

I'm Harry Freakin Potter

KIDS:

You're Harry Potter

HARRY:

I'm Harry Freakin Potter

And I'm the man! (Harry stabs the Basilisk in the throat, it begins to wriggle and die)

KIDS: Harry Freakin—- (just then, the dying Basilisk jerks its head around and bites Harry)

HARRY: Uhhhh!

84

RON: Harry? (the Basalisk and Harry fall to the ground; the Basalisk is dead, but Harry is

dying; Voldemort walks to the Resurrection Stone and picks it up)

VOLDEMORT: HAAAA! YEEESS! At last! It's mine. Come to me, slave! (he holds out

his hand and Ginny is drawn to it) I want the last thing Harry Potter sees to be me, sucking

the life from his girlfriend. (he grabs Ginny's throat; the Diary falls from her robes and onto

the ground next to Harry) Thanks babe! It's been one crazy year! YAH! Oh Harry, how

does it feel? Knowing you failed in every way? Knowing that I'm gonna walk out of

here, and rule this world with blood and terror for all time? And when I do, I'm going to

make sure every trace of your story is wiped from the face of the Earth. No one will

remember you. No one will care. This is your end Harry Potter.

HARRY: Well, Voldemort, if Harry Potter can't live forever… then neither can you.

(Harry lifts up the Sword of Gryffindor and stabs the Diary)

VOLDEMORT: What? NO! DUR! (blood begins to spurt from the Diary as Voldemort

convulses) AHHHHHHH! (Voldemort's chest explodes open, a blinding white light shines

out) WAWAWA! WHOAA! (pieces of Voldemort's body break off as he desperately wails; his

face flakes away, revealing a grotesque screaming skull; soon all his skin ignites into flame; his

burning skeleton crumbles into a mess of gore and green goo; Joe Walker dies; Ginny comes out of

her trance in time to see Harry slump onto the ground, fading fast; she and Ron run to his side;

the other kids follow)

RON: Harry! Oh Harry…

KIDS: Harry. (Ron picks up Harry's head and holds him in his lap)

RON: No… No… You can't die.

HARRY: (weakly) Everything has an end, Ron. This is mine. Thanks for brining me back.

RON: No problem, pal. I just never thought I'd actually have to say goodbye.

HARRY: Well, I guess, now's the time… (Harry looses his strength, and slips away; suddenly

a giant figure appears in the entrance to the Chamber)

HAGRID: Not if old Hagrid has anything to say about it! (Hagrid enters and makes his

way to Harry) Stand back kids. Harry, the end will come, but not today. Not today. (From

within his coat, Hagrid reveals Fawkes the Pheonix, who begins to cry into Harry's wounds with

his magical healing tears) There you go, Fawkes. Give him a good cry. Let it out. (after a

long moment… Harry's eyes open, he groggily sits up)

85

HARRY: Woah… wipe out.

CHO: Well, chocolate frogs! Harry Potter did it ya'll!

KIDS: YEY! (the Hogwarts kids rejoice; Ginny kneels beside Harry and throws her arms

around him)

GINNY: Oh, Harry Potter…

HARRY: Ginny. Sorry I was in such hurtful mood all year. I was thinking; dumping you

didn't bring me anything good so… Wanna date again?

GINNY: Really!? You want too? Even if I make you old hat?

HARRY: Hey, there's nothing wrong with an old hat, is there Sorty?

SORTY: I sure hope not.

KIDS: Chuckle chuckle.

GINNY: Oh boy! I'm so happy! I'm gonna tell my diary all about this! (Ginny picks up the

bloody, destroyed journal and runs off; Ron picks up Scarfy's dead body and gently carries him to

Hagrid)

RON: But wait, Hagrid, what about Scarfy?

HAGRID: I'm sorry, kids. The phoenix tears don't work on clothes.

KIDS: Scarfy… (the kids are silent; only Sorty knows what to say)

SORTY: He died how he lived, throwing caution to the wind. And he wouldn't want

you kids to be sad for one instant. He would have wanted you… to be gay. (just then,

McGonagall leads Kingsley Shacklebolt and the Wizard Cops into the Chamber)

MCGONAGOL: Look! You see Mr. Shacklebolt! Harry Potter has defeated the Chamber

of Secrets monster! The school is safe! It doesn't have to be destroyed!

KINGSLEY: It seems so. (he turns to the kids) But you kids! Rushing past my men,

fighting a giant snake all by yourselves, going against the direct orders of the Minister of

Magic! Those are magic felonies! Why I think I just might… give magical medals to all

you little heroes! (to the Wizard Cops) Call off the air strike boys! Hogwarts is here to stay!

WIZARD COP #1: Word.

KIDS: YEH! (Madam Pomfrey rushes in)

MADAM POMFREY: It's a miracle! The students who were petrified have reawakened!

With the exception of Mr. Creevey, who unfortunately died, all the other children have

made a full recovery!

KIDS: YEH! (Hermione stumbles in)

86

HERMIONE: Whoa. Wipeout. I can't believe the Chamber of Secrets was in the girl's

bathroom all along. I guess the legends were true. Salazar Slytherin built this place so he

could watch little girls pee. (Ron spots Hermione from across the room)

RON: Hermione? (he suddenly feels something in Scarfy's folds, it is a diamond ring)

Wait…What's this? A ring?

SORTY: Just as a true Gryffindor can pull the sword from within me; when someone is

truly in love they can pull a magical ring from Scarfy's folds. It's his last gift to you, Ron.

You know what to do with it.

RON: I think I do. (Ron hands Scarfy to Hagrid and marches over to Hermione) Hermione!

I've got to explain things- (she puts a finger to his lips)

HERMIONE: You don't have explain ANYTHING Ron. I could hear and see everything

while I was petrified. I've already told the wizard cops what Mr. Filch did to me while I

was petrified, and he's being arrested as we speak. But I also know that it was you, Ron

Weasley, that brought Harry back to save the school; and me.

RON: Yeah- Wait? What did Filch do to you?

HERMIONE: I've had a lot of time to think and I've decided: Gilderoy Lockheart is a

creep. And his books suck! Ron, do you mind staying with me, even if I am waiting till

marriage?

RON: You won't be waiting too long! (he gets down on one knee and holds up the magical

diamond ring) Hermione Jean Granger, I wanna get another kiss, so will you marry me?

(Draco jumps over, drops to his knee and pulls out a bigger ring)

DRACO: And me?

HERMIONE: Oh yes! Yes! Wizard God yes!

RON & DRACO: I did it! She said yes! (they turn to each other) HEY!

RON: Shut your fat face, fart mouth! She said yes to me!

DRACO: No, good sir! She said yes to me! (Ron and Draco begin to wring each other's necks,

like Homer does to Bart)

HERMIONE: Oh my! Two boys who want my kisses! Now I know how Katniss feels!

It's wonderful!

KIDS: YEH! (as the kids rejoice, a figure appears in the corner of the Chamber, unseen by the

crowd; it's Dumbledore, he removes his "Man With The Beard" disguise)

DUMBLEDORE: Haha. You see? Told you Potter'd pull through in the end, didn't I

Rumby? (Rumbleroar enters and sits beside Dumbledore)

RUMBLEROAR: Haha. You sure did.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, I guess there's only one problem left…

RUMBLEROAR: And what is that, old friend?

DUMBLEDORE: How much I'm going to miss those sexy little boys! Dissapperate!

(Dumbledore and Rumby vanish, leaving only a few magical twinkles behind; Harry is the only

one that notices the twinkles, and he knows…)

HARRY: Well, that's it guys. (He puts his arms around Ron and Hermione; the trio is flanked

by Ginny, Draco, and the rest of the gang)

RON: Senior year is over.

HERMIONE: I think we all graduated.

RON: And Voldemort is gone forever. Unless there's some other, unrelated piece of his

soul floating around somewhere.

HARRY: I doubt it. So I guess that means… Butterbeers on me!

KIDS: YEH! (the kids head out of the Chamber, but are stopped by McGonagall)

87

MCGONNAGOL: No! No! No! What kind of Headmaster would I be if I allowed

that?!… Butterbeers on me!

KIDS: YEH!

(singing)

Don't wanna see you go

But it's not forever

Not Forever

Even if it was you know that

I would never let it get me down

Cause you're the part of me that makes me better

Where ever I go

So I will try

Not to cry

Cause now it's time to say goodbye… (the kids of Hogwarts begin to file out of the Chamber

and off of the stage for the last time; Harry shakes each of their hands as they leave)

HARRY: Goodbye Seamus, Dean.

SEAMUS: Bye mate.

DEAN: See you around Harry. (Seamus and Dean exit)

NEVILLE: Goodbye Mr. Potter.

HARRY: Oh Neville, I'm gonna miss you pal.

NEVILLE: Oh d-d-d-dear. (Neville begins to cry, but is comforted by Luna, they exit)

CHO: Sayonara Harry Potter. (she kisses Harry's cheek)

HARRY: Goodbye Cho. (Cho exits, Draco approaches Harry)

DRACO: Well, seems like this is goodbye. You sure showed Voldemort, didn't you

Potter?

HARRY: Yeah, it's pretty dangerous to be one of my enemies. That's why it's a good

thing that… we're friends. (Harry extends his arm to Draco and the two shake hands; Draco

exits)

HERMIONE: Well, guys, let's go see what's next. (Hermione, Ginny and Ron exit; Harry

stands onstage alone for a moment, looking at Hogwarts for the last time; Ron pokes his head back

into the room)

RON: You ready to go buddy?

HARRY: Yeah. Take it easy Hogwarts. It's been totally awesome. (Harry joins Ron, and

the two head off into the world, together)

88

SCENE 7- NINETEEN YEARS LATER

Lights up on Platform 9 and ¾, nineteen years later; a WIZARD CONDUCTOR blows a

whistle and calls out…

CONDUCTOR: All aboard! All aboard the Hogwarts express! (Harry enters; at his side is

a timid young boy with glasses and a messy head of hair; this is Harry's son, ALBUS POTTER)

HARRY: Alright son. This is it. Your first day of school.

ALBUS: Dad, I'm scared. Could you come with me?

HARRY: No. My time at Hogwarts is done. But you listen to me. You don't have to be

scared of moving on to something new. Why, you're named after the two bravest men I

ever knew. So go ahead and get on that train, Albus Scarfy Potter. Cause…

HARRY: (slowly singing)

Now you get to go to Hogwarts

Now you get to go to school

Now you get to go to Hogwarts

I hope you find that swimming pool

Off to witches and wizards and magical beasts

To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts

The things that I love are the things that you'll see

At Hogwarts, Hogwarts

(speaking) Man I'm glad you get to go.

ALBUS: Thanks dad.

HARRY: I'll see you next year boy. I love you!

ALBUS: Love you too. Bye! (Albus runs off, onto the train; as Harry turns to leave, a young

girl, WANG MU, enters in a hurry)

WANG MU: Oh no! I'm gonna miss the train to Hogwarts! Come on, daddies! We're so

late! (Wang-Mu's adoptive parents enter after her, VOLDEMORT and QUIRREL; the two

walk back to back, Quirrel wears a turban that covers Voldemort)

QUIRELL: We're coming! (as Harry walks by, he bumps into Quirrel) Oops, excuse me!

89

HARRY: No, it was my fault. Hey… Do I know you?

QUIRELL: Uhhh… No.

HARRY: Funny, my scar kind of tickles. Well, see ya! (Harry exits the stage)

QUIRELL: Voldemort! Voldemort! (Quirrel removes his turban to reveal Voldemort on the

back of his head; Voldemort is older and kinder looking) That was Harry Potter!

VOLDEMORT: Yes. I know Quirrell. I hear everything you hear.

QUIRELL: Do you want me to… (he takes out his wand, ready to finish Harry once and for

all)

VOLDEMORT: No. Just… Let him go. You see… Harry Potter, helped me once. He

taught me that it's okay to let go. Let go of my hate. Care about people. Because of him, I

have a new family. Guess that's kind of what Harry Potter is all about. But there comes a

time when you have to let even Harry Potter go. And that's okay…

QUIRELL: Voldemort…

VOLDEMORT: Yes, Squirell?

QUIRELL: Okay is wonderful.

Lights down.

The End

90

OR IS IT?

BONUS SCENE- THE PRINCE'S TAIL

(During his daring escape from the Wizard Cops, our hero Gilderoy the Mouse Prince, shrunk

himself to the size of a mouse and scurried into a nearby hole. But as he dove to safety he was

struck by a way-word spell, rendering him unconscious. Some time later, Gilderoy lays sleeping

in a bed made from a matchbox. A mouse girl dabs single drops of water on Gilderoy's feverish

forehead; she uses a thimble as a water basin. Gilderoy opens his eyes.)

MOUSE GIRL: He's coming to. (she turns to Gilderoy) Are you alright, sir?

GILDEROY: Ugh. Where am I? (an old mouse using a match as a cane approaches Gilderoy)

OLD MOUSE MAN: In the hole of the Crumb-Bottoms. My name is Whiskers Crumb-

Bottom. And this is my daughter Mouseina.

MOUSEINA: How do you do?

GILDEROY: I've never felt better. Thanks to you. (Gilderoy places his hand on her paw; this

tickles his hand a little bit. Mouseina blushes and turns away)

WHISKERS: You came at an inconvenient time, friend. We don't have any cheese to

give you. Why, with that Mrs. Norris around we can hardly find enough cheese for the

little ones. (Whiskers motions toward five mouse children; they sleep peacefully in a sardine can

bed)

GILDEROY: I see. Well Whiskers, what if I told you we could put an end to Mrs. Norris

once and for all?

WHISKERS: I'd say you hit your head harder than we thought.

MOUSEINA: I'd say you're the answer to a prayer. (Gilderoy and Mouseina share a glance)

GILDEROY: Just do exactly as I say and that damnable cat will be history. We're going

to need toothpicks and marshmallows…


End file.
